


The One

by unabashedcandymaker



Category: Captain America (Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Pregnancy, Smut, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-03-24 19:26:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 44,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13817859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unabashedcandymaker/pseuds/unabashedcandymaker
Summary: AU!  There will be smut in this series and some serious angst.  You’ve been warned.Bucky and Steve are best friends, soldiers that have served together since they came of age.  You and Bucky have been dating for a few years, making your own makeshift family, just the three of you.  That is, until you find out you are pregnant!  How will the boys handle the news, especially when they’ve just received orders that concern a new, upcoming deployment.Tragedy strikes while they are away.  How will you deal with the loss of your family?There will be some major twists with the upcoming chapters!  Please try to stick with me until the end.I'll also update the tags as the story progresses!  Because we definitely are going to have some changes in the relationship dynamics.





	1. Chapter 1

“James…” you started, your voice shaking with nerves as you clenched both your hands in front of you, trying not to fidget.

He turned at the sound of your voice, smile spreading across his face as if hearing you say his name made his every dream come true. He stood behind the kitchen counter with only his flannel pajama bottoms hanging low on his hips. You stood, momentarily dumbstruck at how gorgeous he looked in this very moment. He had let his hair grow shaggy while on leave from the army, but just looking at his chiseled chest and abs, it was evident that his hair was the only thing he’d let go. 

You stared open-mouthed, thinking how unfair it was that he was able to look so delicious so early in the morning. Then you were aware that you stood there only in your panties and an old tank top. 

When you didn’t respond right away, he walked around the counter in your kitchen that separated the two of you. His strong hands found your shoulders as he cocked his head to the side.

“What is it, doll?” He asked when you still didn’t respond.

“I…I…I…” you stuttered as you hung your head, staring at the ground, unable to look him in the eyes anymore. How on earth were you going to be able to break the news to him? Surely he was going to be devastated.

“Sweetheart, what is it?” He asked again gently. One of his hands lifted your chin so you were forced to look at him again. He saw your eyes shine with unshed tears and his steely blue eyes widened. “You’re starting to worry be doll. What’s wrong? You can tell me anything, you know that.”

You took a deep breath which did little to strengthen your resolve but looking into his concerned eyes and seeing the depth of his emotion, his concern alone, calmed you. 

“I’m pregnant.” You rushed out, holding your breath.

“What?” he asked again, having not been able to understand what you said.

“Buck…” you said calmer this time, staring into his eyes. “…I’m pregnant.”

You both stood in silence as he absorbed the information. It took only another minute for him the information to sink in and a new, brilliant smile spread across his face. His hands found your cheeks and he held your face ever so gently.

“Really?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes were shining with unshed tears as yours started to fall down your cheeks.

You nodded your head slowly, confused by his reaction. This wasn’t anything at all like you were expecting. He gingerly wrapped both his arms around your waist, hoisting you up in the air as he began to spin you around, hooping and yelling his excitement.

“I’m going to be a dad!” he shouted as he swung you around all over your apartment. “We are going to have a baby!” Your arms were wrapped around his neck and your legs around his waist. You began to laugh with him as he shouted his excitement, so relieved that he wasn’t upset. “I’m going to be a…”

He stopped abruptly, a concerned look on his face. You looked down at him confused as to what had stopped him. “It is mine right?” He asked as half his face broke into a smirk. You slapped the back of his head as he put you back down on the ground. “How long have you known? Why were you afraid to tell me?”

“I took the test just a few minutes ago. Actually I took half a dozen just a few minutes ago. And I was worried to tell you because it won’t be long and you have to leave again. We didn’t plan this and I thought you might be disappointed.” You admitted, feeling brave enough to tell him the truth when he was looking at you like that.

“I could never be disappointed when it has anything to do with you.” He assured you as he dropped to his knees in front of you, pushing the cotton material up to expose your middle. Your hands came to rest on his shoulders as he placed both of his on your hips. He planted a soft, sweet kiss right below your belly button. Just as he had, your stomach growled, causing him to jump slightly, and then laugh at how easily he was startled. “C’mon doll, I’ve made breakfast.”

Two weeks later you found yourself laying on a medical table with your legs up in stirrups while Bucky stood by your side, staring intently at the ultrasound monitor.

“And this little nugget right here is your baby.” The doctor said as he pointed to a little peanut shaped blob on the screen. “I’d say you are about 7 weeks. And if we are lucky, we will be able to hear the heartbeat.” Just as he finished talked you heart the fluttering thump-thump of a tiny little heart beat through the speakers.

Bucky squeezed your hand in his as he leaned over you slightly to get a better look at the screen. Then he dropped his gaze to your face and you saw a single tear falling down his cheek as he bent over to kiss you on top of your head. Both of you were silent, unable to focus on the doctor as he started talking about prenatal supplements and precautions you should be taking and scheduling your next appointment.

“If you talk to the nurse up front she will give you all the information you need and set you up for your next appointment. Do either of you have any questions?” The doctor finished as he handed you a small black and white image of your ultrasound.

He walked out after you both shook your head no to give you privacy so you could get dressed again. Bucky helped you off the table and pulled you into his arms and just held you silently against him. When he pulled away he looked down to you as if you were the most amazing thing he had ever seen in his life.

“Thank you.” He whispered as kissed your forehead.

“For what?”

“For everything, doll. You have given me something I didn’t even realize that I wanted yet. You are so amazing and I can’t believe you are going to be having my baby.” He kissed your lips tenderly, yet passionately. You were breathless when he finally pulled away, leaving you wanting more. 

“I guess now we get to tell our families, yeah?” you asked as you started slipping your shoes back on your feet.

Bucky smirked as he watched you. “Steve’s going to lose it. Can we tell him first?”

“Of course, Buck. Anything you want.”

“Maybe after my next tour is finished we could get out of the city.” He offered as you stood, slinging the strap of your purse around your shoulder.

“Don’t mess around. It’s not funny.” You scoffed, blowing off what he said as you turned for the door.

You walked out into the hallway and found the nurse who started loading you up with pamphlets and brochures and booklets filled with all the information you could ever imagine needing. Buck followed behind, pulling out his phone to type out a text. After you’d made your next appointment you found Bucky by the door, a huge grin on his face.

“Stevie’s going to meet us for lunch in about an hour, if that sounds good to you. I figured we could tell him then.” You nodded in answer as you hooked your arm in his waiting one and continued walking to the car. “I also have to make a quick pit stop if you don’t mind.”

His pit stop ended up being an impromptu trip to a small pond surrounded by a meadow full of wildflowers. It was the same spot that he had brought you to on your first date. At first you tried asking what his plan was, but he would only shoot you that smile that left you breathless and continued on his way.

You followed as he spread out a blanket on a patch of ground and motioned for you to take a seat. He sat quickly beside you and wrapped an arm around your shoulders and guided you to lie back with him, your head resting on his shoulder. The both of you lay there content for several long moments, enjoying the beautiful spring weather and the company of each other.

“You know, I wasn’t joking earlier.” He said, startling you out of your daydream.

“Huh?”

“After this tour, I’m retiring.” 

You shot up onto your elbow and looked down on him. “Don’t mess around, Buck. I don’t think I could handle it right now.”

“After I come back, I’m done. I’m not signing up again. I want to move you to the country, somewhere close to your family.” He propped himself up so he was staring you straight in the eyes. “I want to buy you a farmhouse with goats and cows and chickens. I want to make lots more babies with you.” He moved and sat up as he dug around in his pocket. You pushed yourself up to you were sitting on your heels, staring wide eyed at this man you were madly in love with, unable to believe the words coming out of his mouth.

“Y/N…” he started as he pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket finally.

“James…” you whispered, not able to believe what was happening.

“Y/N, you are everything to me. You have always been the best part of me and now you are giving me everything I could have ever dreamed. You are my best girl. Will you marry me?” He opened the velvet box revealing a gorgeous antique ring with a beautiful bright shining diamond right in the center. 

You threw yourself at him, both of you falling back onto the blanket as you kissed him madly. “I’m going to assume that’s a yes.” He said between kisses, causing you both to laugh as you finally pulled away, tears threatening to fall. 

“Of course that’s a yes. It’s always going to be yes. It’s always going to be you.” You answered, your voice cracking with emotion as he slid the ring onto your left ring finger.

He pulled you into another kiss before he broke away again and pulled you up to your feet again as you admired the beautiful ring on your finger.

“We better get going. Steve is going to be there soon.” Bucky said as he started folding the blanket and making his way back to the car.

Thirty minutes later you are being pulled into a bear hug by Bucky’s best friend.

“I can’t believe it!” Steve proclaimed as he stared down at your ring. “I mean, of course I can believe it. Bucky would be stupid not to marry you.”

Bucky smiled as he watched Steve fawn over you excitedly before he finally interrupted. “That’s not all bud.”

Steve looked between the two of you confused, wondering what other news could be as big as your engagement. You dug through your purse until you found the tiny sonogram and handed it to Steve.

“You’re joking.” Steve deadpanned.

When you both smiled at him, he pulled both of you into another bone crushing hug, only releasing you when the waiter came to take your order.

The rest of the afternoon you spent with Bucky and Steve as you all chatted happily about what the future would hold for you all now.

“You know, when you’re tour is up, you should come with us.” You said to Steve as you stood next to him while Bucky was chatting with a street vendor.

“I couldn’t possibly. You and Buck need your space with your growing family. You don’t need me around getting in the way of everything.” Steve brushed off your comment with a shrug of his shoulders.

“If you think that you aren’t a part of this family, Steve Rogers, then I hate to tell you that you are very sadly mistaken. You and Bucky grew up as brothers. If you think that Buck would ever leave Brooklyn without you, you are more foolish than I give you credit for. He loves you more than he could ever love me.” You laughed as you bumped your shoulder into his side, causing him to smirk down at you.

You were both smiling when Bucky came walking back towards you both. “What did I miss?”

“I’m just trying to convince Stevie to move with us after you both retire from the army. Your contracts are up about the same time right?”

Bucky beamed and looked to his best friend excitedly before kissing your forehead. “I knew there was a reason I kept you around.” He then looked over to Steve expectantly. “Well buddy, what do you think?”

Steve looked between the both of you, gaging just how serious your offer was. Then with a bright smile, he answered, “Why the hell not!” The three of you shared a hug in the middle of the crowded sidewalk before you pulled away.

“I hate to break up the party fellas, but I’m working night shift at the hospital tonight and I only have a couple hours left. I should really get home and start getting ready.” You said as you checked the time on your watch.

Bucky looked disappointed but he made his way over to your side, intending to follow you back to the car.

“Actually Buck, I was thinking if you can just give me the keys, maybe you and Steve could stay out and celebrate a little while longer. If he would be ok dropping you off at home later.”

Bucky beamed at you before giving you a soft kiss goodbye. Steve hugged you and kissed your temple before he said goodbye too. With a final wave you walked away from both men as they continued to laugh and carry on. Your heart felt so full and you couldn’t help but feel like the luckiest girl in the world as you thought about the future waiting ahead of you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky receives some not so happy news, but instead of dwelling on the bad, you, Bucky, and Steve decide to take a small vacation to spend some quality time together.
> 
> Slight cursing, smut, tiny scene with some angst

18 weeks into your pregnancy you made your way home after pulling a double shift at the hospital. The sun was just starting to rise as you unlocked your apartment and made your way inside. You kicked off your shoes and dropped your keys onto the table by the door before you realized Bucky was standing in the kitchen making waffles and bacon for breakfast.

“I didn’t expect you to be up this early.” You said as you started stripping out of your scrubs and throwing them into the laundry basket by the bathroom door.

“I had to make my best girl a delicious breakfast after working the past 24 hours.” He grinned from his spot behind the counter as he flipped the bacon in the skillet.

“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve a man like you.” You said as you pulled one of his tee shirts over your head and walked over to take a seat at the bar where he was cooking.

“Oh sweetheart, you have no idea you’ve had to settle, do you?” he asked as he smirked, turning the heat off on the stove and walked around to where you sat. His hands immediately found your slightly expanded belly and began to rub gently as he kissed your forehead. “So how are my girls?”

“What makes you think it’s a girl?” you asked, amused at how sure he had been since he had seen that first ultrasound nearly 3 months ago.

“I can’t tell you that, sweetheart. I shouldn’t give away all my secrets.” He smiled and shot you a wink as he walked back around to pull two plates out of the cabinet.

“You are so full of shit, Buck.” You said as you lightly admonished him. “Well when we go to the doctor next week, I’m going to laugh so hard when they tell us it's a boy.” You teased as he began loading your plate up with the food he cooked. You watched his face fall before he forced another smile quickly in its place as he looked back up to you, handing your plate to you.

Immediately you knew something was wrong. You took a deep breath, readying yourself for the bad news. “What is it?” you asked sternly.

He looked up at you. “What are you talking about?”

“I know you, James. I know when something’s wrong. Just tell me. What is it?”

“I was hoping to wait until after we ate to break the news, but now is as good a time as ever.” He said, sighing. “I got the call today.” He started solemnly. “I head out Friday.”

“In four days?” You huffed, disappointedly. “That’s so soon.” You were fighting back tears, feeling foolish for being so emotional.

Bucky saw and immediately rounded the counter to where you sat and pulled you up into his arms as he stroked your back. “I’m so sorry sweetheart.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry I can’t keep myself from falling apart. It’s not like it’s the first time you’ve had to leave.” Your voice broke as you started crying freely into his neck as he pulled you under his chin and cupped the back of your head with one hand as the other continued to soothe your back.

“It’s different this time because you aren’t the only one I have to leave. And I’d like to think that you depend on me more now than you used to.” He said, trying to lighten your mood, but failing. You remained silent, unable to respond with anything but a choke sob as it felt like your world was crashing down around you. You had known this was coming, you knew he’d have to leave again, but there was so little warning you couldn’t really prepare for his absence.

You stood, your arms wrapped around him, hoping that by hanging on and not letting go will somehow mean he won’t have to leave. Your hands were clenched together to keep from digging your nails into his bare back, rooting him to you as completely as possible. The both of you were silent, only to be interrupted by a knock on the door. You were about to open your mouth to tell Bucky to ignore it, but when you heard Steve calling through the door as he pounded on it again, you sighed, loosening your hold on him.

“C’mon guys, I know you’re home.” He said as he pounded on the door again. Bucky untangled himself from you. He walked to the door as you walked to the bathroom to grab a pair of sweat pants to pull on and try to clear your face of any trace that’d you’d been crying. After only just a couple minutes you were satisfied and made your way back to the kitchen where you found both men, Buck pulling out an extra plate as Steve took the seat next to yours.

Steve stood as soon as he’d seen you walking towards the counter. He held his arms open to you and you walked into him, your cheek against his chest as he wrapped both burly arms around your shoulders. “So he’s already told you?” He asked as he released, letting you take your seat and sitting beside you. Bucky was sitting the milk and juice on the bar, trying to look busy and distracted Steve spoke to you.

“Yeah, he just told me. Did you get your orders too? I’m assuming that’s what you’re doing here so early in the morning.” You answered, taking the plate Bucky had extended towards you before offering Steve one as well.

You took a small bite into your mouth as Steve pushed his food around on his plate. “Yeah, I did. It looks like we’ve been put on a special assignment with our old recon team.”

“No.” you said bluntly, causing both men to look up at you in surprise at your outburst. “No. You didn’t tell me you had a mission. I thought this was just going to be another tour, like last time. I didn’t think either of you were still doing that.” Tears were starting to form again, knowing the increase danger and risk in this type of assignment.

“We weren’t supposed to. Our entire until was dissolved three years ago, but this came from high up on the chain of command.” Bucky answered, finally looking at you, his blue steely eyes shining into yours. “They say they’ve found a new threat and want us to pull the team back together to take it out as quickly and quietly as possible. We didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. They did offer early retirement if we complete our task.”

“How early?” you asked.

“Six months. And it’ll come with a substantial retirement package.” Bucky answered as if that would take away all your reluctance to let them go.

“But you both are leaving me at the same time.” You whispered, looking from Bucky to Steve. You had been lucky enough that most of the time when Bucky was gone, Steve was always around to help fill the void somewhat. One time, he had even moved in for 6 months so you wouldn’t have to sleep in your apartment alone. After the years of Steve being around, you felt like he was not only Bucky’s best friend but yours as well. It was an unspoken fact that Steve had become part of your family.

Both hung their heads as you looked between them, their eyes shining with unshed tears they couldn’t cry. You felt terrible for laying on the guilt so thick. You knew they had absolutely no choice in the matter. It wasn’t like they wanted to leave, especially Bucky since he’d been so excited about being around for everything during your pregnancy.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, looking at your plate in embarrassment. You didn’t need to make them feel any worse about leaving when you knew they would much rather stay. “I just hate it when you both have to go.”

The three of you sat in relative silence as you ate the food Bucky had made for breakfast. You thought about your life here in the city with these two men and how thankful you had been when you’d found Bucky and with him, Steve. They were the only family you had here and together you’d found family and love and friendship. And with a simple phone call, you were losing them both.

After clearing your plate, Steve offered to wash and clean up. You protested, but he insisted as he shooed you and Buck out of the kitchen so he could get started. Bucky grabbed your hand and guided you towards the couch. He pulled you into his arms and fell back onto the overstuffed cushions. Your head rested comfortably on his bare chest, distracting yourself for several long minutes by listening to the steady and comforting beats of his heart.

“Let’s go somewhere.” You whispered to Bucky, not able to distract yourself any longer. “The three of us. Let’s get out of the city for a few days.” You pulled away so you could look into his grey blue eyes. They studied yours for a few seconds before looking over to Steve as he was drying his hands on a dishtowel having just finished washing the last dish.

“I’m game.” He answered. “We could go to the cabin by the lake that my grandpa left for me. It’s not much, but it has electricity and it’s free.” He collapsed next to you on the couch, clearly drained from the news from this morning.

“Let me call the hospital. I’m sure they can switch a couple of my shifts around so I won’t have to go back to work until after you all leave.” You said excitedly as you jumped up from the couch and towards your purse to dig out your phone.

In no time, you were freshly showered and on your way out of town. According to Steve it would take nearly three and a half hours of winding country roads to get there so you decided to shop, loading the trunk of your car with food and supplies that would last so you wouldn’t have to come back out for anything.

The boys were sitting up front as you spread out across the backseat, doodling in a sketchbook you kept in the bottom of your nightstand. It felt like ages since you’d had time to draw, but you figured since you’d had a few free days with nothing planned but swimming and fishing and relaxing in the summer sun, there was no better time to pick it back up.

You started drawing the expanse of trees and blacktop stretching in front of the car as you drove past. Soon, it morphed into your perspective from the back seat. You were drawing the dashboard, the radio, the back of the heads of the two men sitting in the front seat. You studied the contrast of the two as you continued to draw. Steve’s broad shoulders, his short light hair, the height advantage of only a couple inches over Buck, and then focusing on Bucky’s shaggy dark brown hair, his relaxed back, the arm he had slung over the back of the seat, stretching out towards Steve who was driving.

You had just finished the rough sketch as you pulled up the gravel driveway. Quickly you were throwing your book and pencils into your backpack as Bucky pulled open your door to help you out. You stretched gratefully before following Steve onto the porch and into the dusty cabin.

It was obvious nobody had been here in a couple decades. Steve said the last time anyone was here was when his parents brought him as a small child. You quickly set to work cleaning and dusting, throwing sheets and blankets into the wash, trying to get rid of the old dank smell. The boys were moving around furniture, sweeping, mopping, and tuning up the furnace for the hot water heater.

It only took a couple hours before place was mostly livable. You were finishing up by washing up the last of the dishes so you’d have clean plates and cups to eat and drink from. You could see Bucky and Steve through the opened window over the sink. They had just walked out of the shed where they had been working on tuning up an old boat that one of the neighbors kept docked there. 

Both were shirtless as they walked into view. Bucky had his tee hanging around his neck as he pulled up one end to wipe the sweat off his forehead while Steve had tucked his into the back pocket of his pants. You were unable to ignore the toned, tanned skin and muscular build of both army men. You shamelessly ogled over both hunks.

Bucky was laughing at something Steve said when his eyes caught yours. He gave you a knowing look at he stretched, putting on full display the flexing muscles of his arms and chest. You felt a heat growing deep in your belly that had nothing to do with the lack of air conditioning. You decided it was time for a distraction as you rinsed the last plate and placed it on the rack to dry.

 

Bucky’s P.O.V.

 

“You think she’s going to be ok?” Steve asked, trying to pull his attention back.

“She’s strong.” He answered as he nodded his head. “It’ll be hard, both of us leaving, but I think she will make it. The only thing that worries me is that she’s not going to have anyone here while we are gone.” Bucky said somberly, not liking the thought of you being by yourself for the next 6 months.

Right then, you emerged onto the porch wearing your bikini under a large tank top, your tiny baby belly starting to push out against the fabric. Your hair was bunched up on top of your head and you were wearing a pair of large sunglasses. In your arms you carried a large blanket, your sketchpad and pencils. 

He watched as you carefully picked the perfect spot by the lake before you spread your blanket and stretched out. As soon as you’d found the perfect position he watched you flip open your sketch book to the first blank page and began to drag the pencil against the paper.

Steve nudged Buck before walking towards the cabin, reminding him that he needed help working on the small window air conditioner before they were finally finished with all the upkeep. It took only twenty minutes before the pair had the thing shooting out cool air. Steve fist pumped in the air before walking away, deciding that a dip in the lake was a proportionate reward for all their hard work. 

Bucky watched with a since of pride and adoration as Steve bounced around like a kid in a candy store. The tall, burly man who looked nothing like the puney, short, sickly kid he used to be, but if you were lucky enough to be close enough when he opened up, you could still see that same kind, excitable, fiercely loyal kid he used to be. Steve flew out the door and as soon as Bucky had dug out his own trunks, he was following quickly behind. 

Bucky stopped on the porch, looking out at the sight before him. The sun was setting over the water and through the blinding rays he could see Steve stooping down beside you to take a look at your sketch. You were flipping through the pages, showing him all the work you had done in that book over the past couple years. Steve pointed to certain things on the different pages and watched you smile and engage excitedly in a conversation with him.

As he looked on at the two of you, he was reminded of the sobering conversation he’d had with Steve earlier that day as they both were bent over the motor of the boat.

“Brother, I’m going to need you to promise me.” Bucky had pleaded with Steve.

“Buck, this is some pretty heavy shit. Are you sure I’m the best choice?” Steve huffed as he fell back on his rear. 

“There is nobody else I would trust with the well-being of my family.” Buck said, his eyes begging silently for his answer.

“You know I will, Buck.” Steve answered, putting his hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky sighed and smiled. “Thank you brother. If something were to happen to me…”

“I will make sure that Y/N and the baby are taken care of.” Steve finished before Bucky pulled him into a grateful hug. “As long as I’m alive, I’ll care for them both like they were my own.”

Your laughter pulled Bucky out of his reverie. It sounded almost like wind chimes, your laugh so enchanting and beautiful. He jumped off the porch and headed towards the edge of the lake.

Both you and Steve turned to look, both smiling, when you heard Bucky approaching. He took a seat beside you as Steve jumped up now, no longer distracted from his original plans. You both watched as he took a running start towards the dock and when he reached the end, he flew through the air and fell carelessly into the water. 

Bucky joined him not long after, leaving you to watch and laugh at their antics on dry land. The three of you stayed out, enjoying your time together until the sun had faded behind the trees and you were left in darkness save for the twinkling of the fireflies.

Steve excused himself to take the boat out for some night fishing, saying not to expect him back before sunrise. You and Buck lazily made your way inside the cabin. You deposited all your things on a chair by the door before Bucky had pulled you into his arms, no longer able to deny himself the feel of you in his arms.

“C’mon Buck, I need a shower. I’m all sweaty and sticky.” You squealed with laughter as he carried you from the living room to the bathroom.

“I’ll only let you go if you let me join you.” He growled in your ear, his excited becoming more and more apparent through his trunks.

“You can shower with me, but no funny business. I have a surprise for you.” You winked at him and his knees nearly gave out as you disappeared into the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later, Bucky found himself lying in bed wearing only his boxers as he waited for whatever surprise you had promised him. His mouth watered in anticipation for whatever you had in store. It felt like an eternity before he heard your voice call through the closed door.

“Are you ready?” you called from the bathroom.

“So ready.” He growled, causing you to laugh.

He watched as you cracked the door slightly and slowly slid your bare leg out into room. After a quick tease you eased out into the room, obviously nervous about your figure since you had just started to gain weight from the baby, from his baby, but he could see you fight through it as you slide out into the room, your confidence only faltering once before you took in his obvious arousal.

His jaw dropped.

His gaze wondered up your smooth bare legs up to see you donning a pair of lacy panties and a black matching bralette, your belly poking out over the delicate material. He saw every change your body was making and loved it all. You had never looked more beautiful or radiant the entire time he has known you.

You smiled and relaxed seeing the effect you still had over him and slowly sauntered over towards the bed. All he was capable of was sitting back against the headboard and watch slack jawed as you crawled up the bed and straddled his lap.

“Do you like it?” You whispered into his ear before pushing your breasts up into his face. All he was able to do was nod his head slightly as his hands found your hips and gripped you hard enough to bruise. The feel of his skin on yours had you moaning already which made his straining erection throb with want.

You threw your head back to let out a breathy moan and he took the opportunity to bring his mouth to your exposed flesh and nip at your pulse point before he started placing wet, open mouthed kisses up to your jaw and back down again. The way you were now grinding down against his throbbing erection caused him to growl into your skin as he grazed his teeth along your sensitive skin.

It was then that he decided to take control. He had flipped you onto your back and was soon between your knees, his hands wrapped around your thighs as he licked your folds through the thin lace material. He knew you were close already from the way you were bucking up against his face.

“Buck…” you moaned when he licked a broad stripe up to your clit before wrapping his lips around it as best he could. He swirled his tongue around it a couple times when your hands found his hair and you dug your nails into his scalp. Oh how he loved the feeling of your fingers in his hair. That’s mainly the reason why he grew it out between his deployments. 

He moved his hand back around so he could gently stroke between your folds with his fingers. Your breath was ragged and you were gasping for air and he knew that any second you were going to be falling over the edge. He pushed your panties to the side as he licked slow circles around your clit while pushing one finger inside you up to the knuckles, feeling your breath catch in your chest as your walls started to quiver around his finger. He knew know all it would take is for him to start moving to send you into your first orgasm of the night. 

“Please…Buck…I need…” you were gasping.

“I got you doll.” He growled into your thigh as he nipped at the tender flesh as his finger began massaging inside you. Your slick was already flooding between your legs, making it more than easy to push another finger inside you.

You began to shake when his tongue came back as he pressed it broadly against that tiny bundle of nerves and kept stroking as you came all over his face. He rutted against the mattress, swearing that one day he would be able to come from getting you off alone. It was unlike anything he’d ever felt in his life.

Your grip on his hair started to relax as you started to come back down from your high. Bucky was kissing his way up your leg and pulling your panties down as he made it to your knee. Soon he threw the material across the room before standing to discard his own. He crawled back up your body, kissing and licking in all the places he knew you liked before he found your mouth eagerly waiting for his. 

He felt you hum in his mouth when you tasted yourself on his tongue, grinding up against him, feeling your slick rub against his erection. He pulled away, bringing you up with him as he took his original position sitting up against the headboard and pulled you to straddle his lap. You were kissing him, making your way slowly down his neck and to his chest before he pulled you back up to his face, attacking your lips with his.

“I want to return the favor.” You rasped while still trying to catch your breath.

“Oh doll, you already did.” He said as he bent his head to take one of your covered nipples into his mouth, careful not to overstimulate you. You pushed yourself further into his face as your nails scratched down his shoulders to his arms. He loved it when you lost control like this. He lived for these moments when he had you so worked up and seeking release that you had nearly abandoned all your inhibitions and stopped being so self-conscious.

You were grinding down against his bare erection, causing him to moan into your chest. He pulled away and adjusted himself so that he could raise your hips with one hand while he guided himself between your folds with the other. When he had the head nestled slightly between the folds, begging for entrance, he released himself and placed his other hand on your other hip and started guiding you down on top of him slowly.

“Breathe, doll.” He reminded you, seeing that you were holding your breath as he stretched you with his impressive size. You let out a jagged breath; your eyes squeezed shut with your head tilted forward. “Let me see those pretty eyes, sweetheart.” He begged.

You struggled for a few seconds before you could comply. As soon as your wide bright eyes were staring back into his he lifted your hips and let you fall slowly back down. He only had to guide you a couple more times, staring deep into your eyes, before you were able to bounce on top of him by yourself.

 

You were gasping for breath, your cheeks flushed, your nails digging hard into the steely planes of his back. Your mouth hung open slightly as you kept moaning, never breaking eye contact. He was so close to coming he was struggling to hold it back.

“Let go, baby. I’m right there too.” You huffed, urging him to come. To hurry the process because he would be damned if he came before you did, he brought his thumb down between your bodies and gently stroked your clit, immediately hurling you into your second, mind blowing orgasm. 

He saw your eyes start to roll into the back of your head and when your muscles clamped so hard around his cock buried inside of you, he came instantly. He clutched your body close to his as you both came down from your high and relaxed into each other again. You were struggling to keep your eyes open. 

Bucky gently removed you from his lap and laid you on your side as he jumped up to get a damp washcloth. He quickly cleaned you up as you hummed your approval and thanks. He soon took his place next to you, pulling you into his chest so he could hold you close as you fell asleep.

“I think I’ll miss this the most.” You whispered into his chest.

He clutched you tighter to him, fighting the tears and kissed you on top of your head, holding you till you fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for Bucky and Steve to leave and it’s making everyone sad. There’s some brief, fast smut in the beginning but it gets sad when Reader has to drop them off to leave.
> 
> Bucky x Reader
> 
> Warnings: smut, sadness (idk if there’s anything else that might call for a warning. If I’ve missed anything let me know please)

You woke before the sun came up the day the boys were leaving to Bucky stroking his fingers through your hair. Not opening your eyes, you only wrapped your arms around his waist tighter.

“Have you even been to sleep?” you asked, your voice scratchy from sleep.

“No. I couldn’t. Even if I could, I didn’t want to.” He said, his voice thick and deep. 

You both laid there until the sun rays shone brightly through the thin curtains of your bedroom window. His hand stilled in your hair and you groaned in protest as he pulled his fingers free. He chuckled lightly.

“As much as I’d love to waste the day away with you here in this bed, I really should finish packing. We have to meet Steve at noon and head out to the base from there.”

You whined again and only held him tighter. “I don’t want to let you go.”

“Leaving is so much harder this time.” He admitted as he held you close. “I sat up all night just watching you sleep.”

You laughed gently. “I counted your heartbeats until I couldn’t stay awake any longer.” You admitted.

“Well, aren’t we a creepy pair.” He laughed again as he kissed the top of your head. He gently pulled himself out from under you and began walking around the room, throwing some last minute stuff in a black duffel bag sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed. You watched the muscles of his back move and flex and bend as he paced back and forth.

“I’m going to miss this the most.” You said as you propped yourself up on your elbow to get a better view.

“Oh, is that right?” he stopped and smirked at you. “So you only want me for my body huh?”

“After nearly 6 years, you’ve finally figured out my secret.” You laughed, watching him intentionally flex for your entertainment.

In the blink of an eye, he pounced gracefully on the bed and crawled his way on top of you. He was pushing you into the mattress, pinning you down by your hips as his lips kissed your exposed skin. You moaned, trying to fight the arousal building quickly in your belly. 

His mouth was covering every bit of your skin he could reach. One hand tangled in your hair while the other moved up under your shirt to cup your breast. When you moaned, he pulled away.

“This is going to be fast. Are you ok with that?” he grunted as he pushed his pants down just enough to expose his already hard erection. You were struggling with your own panties trying your best to get your hands between your bodies. Finally Bucky took pity and ripped the fabric down the middle, grunting as they fell in shreds on the mattress underneath you.

His fingers teased between your folds, finding that you were already wet and ready. He looked down at you asking silently if you were ready. When you nodded yes, he growled as he lined himself up at your entrance and thrust inside of your quickly. You cried out, the feeling of being stretched so completely almost enough to send you spiraling over the edge immediately..

“Oh I love this feeling, when you squeeze me so tight. You are always so warm and perfect around me. I wish I could live right here, buried deep inside you. You feel so amazing, doll.” He groaned in that deep silky voice that always sent shivers down your spine. 

You were gasping for air knowing that any second you’d be coming around him. Your entire body tensed and started to shake, squeezing his cock so tight as he kept thrusting hard and fast into you. 

“Fuck, this is going to be a lot faster than I thought. I need you to get there because I’m about to blow.” He pleaded, his voice begging as he quickened his pace. 

You were barely able to hear what he was saying, focusing only on the fell of him pumping into you, hitting that sweet, sweet spot nobody else had been able to reach before. As soon as you felt his finger on your clit, you were gone. Your vision went completely white and you were vaguely aware of screaming out his name as he thrust hard into you before stilling and collapsing next to you on his side.

You tried moving towards him, but your limbs felt like limp noodles dangling helplessly by your sides. Bucky kissed you quickly before jumping up to get a damp cloth so he could clean you up while you laid motionless on the bed, trying to bring your mind back to your body.

“You don’t think we hurt the baby when we do it like that, do you?” he asked, causing you to laugh weakly as you threw a pillow at him. He laughed and dodged it with a speed and grace that would always surprise you. He looked down at you with a sad smile before he turned to start packing again. You pushed yourself up and made your way to the bathroom to have a quick shower, now unable to watch him finish.

Too soon, you were picking up Steve at his apartment a few blocks away. He climbed in the backseat, a serious look marring his otherwise handsome features. It was the same look that plagued Bucky since the two of you had been intimate earlier this morning. It took only an hour to get to the base and the closer you got, the more you could see the soldier come out in both men.

You hadn’t ever had to see that side of them before and looking at them now, you were thankful. Their bodies were rigid, broad and extremely intimidating unlike their normal relaxed statures. The stiff features of their face made them look more like machines than men. It made you sad how easily they could slip into this demeanor, leaving their care free personas as if they were merely cheap trinkets quickly abandoned by a distracted child.

Soon, you were driving through the base, surrounded by other solemn looking soldiers making their way towards different planes, loading cargo and waiting to board. Bucky quietly guided you to where you needed to drop them off. You shut off the engine and stepped out the car, watching as they retrieved their duffels from the trunk.

Steve was the first to walk around to where you were standing. His arms hugged you tightly to him and you felt a single tear drip down your cheek. “Take care of him please.” You whispered in his ear. He silently nodded into your shoulder, squeezing just a little tighter. “And yourself. I couldn’t live if one of you didn’t come back.” 

“You know I will, Y/N.” he whispered back. “Watch out for yourself while we are away.” He kissed the top of your head before pulling away suddenly. He picked up his bag and walked towards one of the smaller planes before stopping, waiting for Bucky.

You were struggling to stay strong, chanting over and over that you didn’t want to send Bucky off like this. You wanted to be strong at least until you could get off the base. He walked around the trunk and took you into his arms. He hugged you close to his body before letting go to cup your face, resting his forehead against yours.

“You’d think I’d be used to telling you goodbye by now.” You said, your voice cracking only slightly. Your hands cupped his elbows softly.

“I hope you never have to get used to it, doll. At least this is the last time we have to do this.” He said as he pulled you back into his chest and tucked your head under his chin, resting his cheek on top of your head.

“Just promise that you’ll come back to me. To us.” You begged, not only for yourself but also for your unborn child.

He kissed your hair and then dropped to his knees in front of you. His hands were on either side of your belly as he kissed your belly button. “Listen little lady…” he started talking directly to your belly. “…you are not allowed to come out until I come back.” You chuckled and ran one of your hands through his still shaggy hair. “And if I for some reason can’t make it, I promise I will be there for everything else you need me for. And go easy on your mom. She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever known and you are going to have to love her enough for the both of us while I’m gone.” He kissed your belly again and a couple more tears escaped. “I’ll call as soon as I can I promise.”

He rose back to his feet and gave you a quick, searing kiss before saying his final goodbye and joined Steve. You watched them walk out of sight before you could will yourself to get back in your car to drive away. Somehow, you had managed to make it a couple miles out of the base before you had to pull over on the side of the road and cry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet a very nice, sweet stranger who makes you feel a little less lonely after leaving the boys at the air base. (Purely Platonic) You find out the sex of the baby and finally get to chat with Bucky and Steve for the first time since leaving them.
> 
> No warnings besides sad feelings, so I guess a little angst.

Once you were able to pull yourself back together, you headed to the grocery store, hoping that shopping would be a good enough distraction for at least a little while. You stopped at one of the local markets once you made it back into town and pushed the cart through the aisles, not really focusing on anything until you spotted a box of chocolate puff cereal, Bucky’s favorite. You picked up the box, holding it in both your hands as you stared at the front, your tears threatening to fall.

“What did that cereal do to you?” a kind, deep voice asked from behind you.

Startled, you dropped the box and turned towards the man who disrupted your thoughts. He was a tall, dark man with kind, gentle features. He was looking at you with a smile and a shine in his eyes that made you feel at ease immediately.

When you didn’t respond, he walked around you to pick up the box, handing it to you again before saying, “You look like someone just killed your puppy.” His voice was sympathetic, a quiet understanding on his face as he waited patiently for any response.

“Oh, sorry, I…” you rambled, staring down at the box of cereal in your hand before tossing it in your cart, unable to put it back on the shelf.

“I’m Sam. Sam Wilson.” The man said as he offered his hand towards you. You shook it and felt warmth and comfort at his contact. 

“Y/N.” you said barely above a whisper as you cast your eyes down at stared at the cereal box.

“I’ve seen that look before.” He said with a sincere understanding. “Have you lost someone?” You looked back up into his warm, kind eyes. When you didn’t answer right away, he continued. “By no means feel like you have to answer. I tend to be a little too forward and I forget sometimes not everyone is ready to talk about it. My wife says that even though I mean well, it comes across as pushy and uncaring.”

You smiled gratefully. “Nobody died, but I did just have to drop my fiancé and our best friend off at the military base earlier today.” You wiped a tear that had made its way down your cheek.

He nodded in understanding. “I had to drop off my brother a couple months ago. Was this your first time?”

“Not at all. I’ve had to take them both half a dozen times over the past several years. But it is the first since we found out I was pregnant.” You said before blowing your nose most un-lady like into a handkerchief Sam had offered.

“That has to be rough. I’m very sorry to hear that.” He said kindly. There was silence for a few seconds before he started digging through his wallet and offered to you a business card. “This is my home number and cell phone. If you ever need anything at all, please feel free to reach out.”

“I couldn’t. You don’t even know me.” You said as you waved off his card.

“I am going to have to insist. I’d like for you to come to a BBQ I’m having in a couple weeks. I could introduce you to some people and I know my wife would love to have another lady around. She tells me all the time she has so much trouble making girlfriends in this area because nobody ever stays very long.”

You took the card and stared at the information, smiling slightly.

“If you give me your number I can call you with more information if you’d be interested in coming over.” He said.

“That actually sounds really nice.” You said as you took the card gratefully and wiped a tear from your cheek.

“Actually, what are you doing for dinner tonight?” He asked with a smile. You just shook your head, feeling overwhelmed at his generosity towards you, a perfect stranger to him. “Then you’ll come out to dinner with my family. I’ll meet you at the diner across the street around 6. Does that work?”

You nodded your head, unsure of what else to say. 

“Then I’ll see you at 6.” Sam said with a smile as he walked away, waving as he disappeared from view.

You loaded your basket with the rest of your groceries and headed back to your apartment. It took only a couple minutes for you to sort and organize all your purchases. For the next few hours you paced the floor, looking at the business card Sam gave you, debating bailing on dinner.

When 6 o’clock came around, you found yourself staring up at the diners sign, trying to fight your nerves. Just when you thought you might turn back and head home, you heard Sam approach behind you.

“I was almost afraid you were not going to show.” He said as he approached with a beautiful dark woman and two beautiful little girls. “This is my family. This lovely lady is my wife, Linda, and these two loud children following us around are ours.” He said with a proud smile. Linda offered her hand and you shook it, her smile just as warm and inviting as Sam’s. “Let’s get something to eat.”

Dinner was lovely and you were so glad you didn’t let your nerves keep you from coming out. Linda was a wonderful, funny woman and you could tell right away that she would become a great friend. She invited you to lunch later that week to get some one-on-one time together which you agreed to gladly. Their children were so well behaved and adorable that they made you feel a little less nervous about having a baby of your own.

The next week passed in a blur as you picked up all the extra shifts you possibly could, working as often as they would let you and putting your extra money away in a savings account so you might be able to take some extra time off after the baby comes. You had lunch with Linda and after polite small talk, you found out that Sam was a police officer and she shared many of the same fears that you did about your significant others dangerous occupations.

You still hadn’t heard from Steve or Bucky yet, but you tried not to worry. It wasn’t like they had cellphones handy where they went. You weren’t even sure they had reception in whatever mountains in whatever foreign country they were in right now. You had gone almost a month without hearing from them before. Although it drove you crazy with worry, you did your best to focus on everything else around you.

When Friday finally came around, you found yourself lying on a table with your shirt pulled up to your chest as a doctor waved a wand around with cold jelly over your belly. Soon the image of your growing baby appeared on the screen. It took your breath away as you were finally able to see tiny arms and legs and a large head, an actual baby inside of you. This tiny person, one you created with Bucky, was real and moving and when you heard the heartbeat, you felt a pang of hurt as you wished Buck had been here to experience this with you.

“Everything is looking healthy and beautiful!” your doctor exclaimed, pulling you out of your reverie. “Let me take some measurements and check a couple more things and then, if you are ready, we can find out the sex of your baby.”

You debated with yourself for only a minute, not wanting to find out without Bucky, but in the end you nodded your head, hoping that if he were able to call you soon that you would at least have some kind of news to tell him.

After a couple long minutes, he finally said, “Well congratulations, Ms Y/L/N, it looks like you are going to be a mother of a beautiful baby girl!” He said as he printed off the images he had saved on the machine and handed them to you. “I’ll just give you a couple minutes alone.” He said as he patted your shoulder and watched you silently cry as you continued to stare at the image on the screen.

The rest of the day flew by and soon you found yourself alone in your bed hugging the now framed image of your unborn daughter in your hands. You cried, wishing that he had been here to share that moment finding out with you. But you smiled when you thought of his undoubtedly smug satisfaction of being right. You closed your eyes tight and you could almost see his face smiling wide, his perfect teeth shining as he exclaimed his excitement when he found out you were pregnant.

Soon you were pulled out of your thoughts when you heard your phone ringing. You quickly dug it out of your purse on your nightstand and saw that you were being skyped by an unknown number. Knowing it was going to be Bucky, you answered as you tried to dry your eyes. In seconds you were laughing in relief as you saw his beautiful face light up your screen. He looked tired and dirty, covered in dirt and grease. His hair was unkempt and messy, looking like he’d not had a shower the entire time he’d been gone, but you swear he had never looked more beautiful than in that moment after not seeing him for so long.

“Oh god you have no idea how good it is to see your face, doll.” He sighed, visibly relaxing when you answered his call.

You laughed and tried to pull yourself together, trying to find the right words to say in this moment, but he saved you the trouble when he continued talking.

“I’ve missed you so much. How are you? How’s my daughter?” he asked with a knowing smirk.

“I’m good, Buck. I miss you too. And funny enough, my doctor appointment was today…” you teased.

“And?” he asked excitedly. “Was I right?”

You held the ultrasound up to the camera as best you could so he could read the text printed between her legs that read, ‘I’m a girl!’

“You’re joking!” he shouted and you heard faint mumbling from somewhere off camera.

“It’s absolutely a girl. You were right this whole time. Just like you usually are.” You laughed as he beamed and watched as he tried and failed to contain his excitement, a couple happy tears escaping down your cheeks. This was the reaction you were expecting.

“Shut the fuck up!” he shouted as men off camera continued to grumble. “I’m going to have a daughter! It’s a girl!” he continued to shout and this time you could hear cheers as men started to congratulate him.

Steve appeared behind Bucky then, looking just as tired and dirty, except he sported a smart black and purple shiner, causing his eye to swell just slightly. Your laugh died on your lips as it hit you how dangerous their mission was and they had only just gotten there.

“Congrats, Y/N.” Steve said and you pulled yourself together, offering him a quiet smile as he patted Bucky on the shoulder. “I’m heading out. Take care of my niece! Miss you!” he called out as he walked away, leaving you alone with Bucky again.

“Is he ok? What happened?” you whispered to the screen and Bucky just shook his head.

“He’s fine. Just got sloppy on our first trip out. Took an elbow to the face. It could have been much worse.” He answered as if that were going to make you feel better. “I didn’t wake you did I?” It seems that he had just taken in your messy bun and sweats you donned as soon as you got home. “I have trouble keeping up with the time difference.”

“Not at all, Buck. I just crawled in bed actually.” You lied casually, not wanting to tell him how you’d been moping around and crying all day.

“Oh how I wish I could be in that bed with you.” He purred into the camera, causing you to laugh.

“You are insatiable, James Barnes.” You teased as he chuckled.

You chatted for only a few more minutes, telling him about your new friend before he had to get off the phone. You exchanged goodbyes and kissed your screen as he did the same before he had to end the call. You looked at the ultrasound again before laying it on his pillow and hugged your phone to your chest as you closed your eyes and willed sleep to take you before your tears started falling again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get some devastating news about the boys on their mission and then you have the baby!
> 
> SO MUCH ANGST, this is bad y’all. I don’t know what came over me. CHARACTER DEATH. Labor and birth.

A month has passed since you found out that the little life you’d created with Bucky was going to be a sweet, darling little girl and it had been packed full of double shifts at the hospital, lunch dates with your new friend Linda, and a couple dinners with the whole Wilson family. Linda had been giving you tips about the necessities of a new baby. She had once expressed an interest in throwing you a baby shower, but you politely declined. There weren’t anyone to invite besides the other nurses at the hospital and you had no family that would be interested in attending.

Your nights off were spent in bed, alone, watching Netflix and fretting over the safety of Steve and Bucky. That’s why you had been trying to pick up as many extra shifts at the hospital that you were allowed to. Nights spent at the hospital, helping patients, were much easier than the alternative.

Except for tonight. Tonight, you were lucky enough to receive a call from Bucky.

“I miss you so much, sweetheart.” He crooned to you over the phone late one night. His voice was rougher than usual. His work was hard and demanding and no matter how often you inquired, he refused to tell you the details of his missions, not that he would have been allowed to. 

“Not nearly as much as I miss you.” You said back, smiling brightly back at him.

“Tell me everything that’s happened since I left. How’s our baby girl? You had an appointment recently, right?” He asked.

“Everything’s perfect. She’s perfect. She’s very active, keeping me awake at night with her tiny little kicks and jabs. I think she’s gonna be rowdy like her daddy.” You said fondly, a soft smile caressing your face and you gently rubbed circles around your growing belly with your free hand.

“Of course she is. It’s in her blood.” He said with a proud grin. “So how are things at the hospital? Have you put in your notice yet?”

You fought and lost the urge rolled your eyes. Thankfully this was not a video chat so he wouldn’t be able to see it. This was something he brought up during your last conversation. After the baby came, he wanted you to quit your job and stay home. Even though it sounds incredibly old fashioned, you knew he was coming at this from a place of sincerity. He knew that you’d want the time to bond with your daughter and for her to have the security of always having a parent with her at all times. The ideas of daycares made him uneasy.

“Buck, you know how I feel about this. I don’t know if I want to quit my job. I’ll cut back my hours after an extended maternity leave, but we will need the income from both jobs to support a child.” You argued, trying to make him see your point.

“I’m telling you Y/N, I’ve got everything taken care of. You do not have to worry about money. I’ve got savings and benefits that would be more than enough for us to live on.” He urged, more passionate about this than you ever imagined he would ever be.

“I’ll keep it in mind, but I won’t make any promises. I love this job and I love feeling important and I love doing important work. It’s one of the few things I’ve ever been passionate about.”

You heard Bucky take in a deep breath and you prepared yourself for a long winded ramble continuing his side of the conversation, but before he could actually get a word out, there was a loud commotion in the background. You could barely hear the yelling and raised voices of those around him before a muffled voice called his name. Another loud bang and more screams .

“I’m not done trying to convince you, but I have to go.” His voice was serious and you could sense even over the phone he was quickly falling into his soldier mode.

“Please be safe.” You pleaded, fighting against the panic trying to overtake you to sound calm.

“Everything’s going to be fine, sweetheart. I’ve got to go do my job now. I love my girls so much.” He said before an even louder explosion sounded and the call was cut off.

Hysterical sobs racked through your chest and you didn’t have it in you to fight them. Your fear for his safety, Steve’s too, was all you could focus on as you curled around your belly, and cried until you had no tears left. The sun was starting to rise before you were able to finally close your eyes and get a couple hours of restless sleep.

It wasn’t for another three days, filled with worry and all-consuming panic, that you heard from Bucky again. He called for a video chat and you nearly cried in relief to see his face again. He and Steve were both there, covered in bruises and cuts, Bucky sporting a few stitches above one eye while Steve’s left side of his face was dark purple and his eye was nearly swollen shut. Thankfully, you were able to choke back your gasp. 

They both tried their hardest to assure you that their injuries were minor and were both perfectly fine and safe, even though you didn’t push it. You knew better at this point. Steve was sporting a few broken ribs and Bucky was basically all bruising and sore muscles at this point, but overall, very alive and mostly well. The call only lasted for a few minutes before they had to leave again, Steve blowing a quick kiss and Bucky promising to call as soon as possible, like always.

A couple more months have passed and you were nearing the end of your pregnancy, thank God! Everything was starting to swell, everything was uncomfortable, and every single thing you ate gave you heartburn. You hadn’t had a decent night’s rest in 9 months, waking up every couple hours to pee. Without telling Bucky, you had also quit your job at the hospital, your last day last week.

With your due date only three weeks away, you’d been spending most of your time baby proofing what you could manage and hanging out with the Wilson family. By this point, you had nearly integrated yourself into their lives, even going as far as to babysitting their girls every time Sam and Linda needed to go out. You couldn’t wait to introduce them to Steve and Bucky when they finally returned home.

It’s been nearly two weeks since you’ve heard from Bucky. You didn’t wanna jump to any conclusions or worry yourself needlessly. Their missions had been getting more intense and consuming from the very limited info you could pull out of him.

A knock on your door pulled you away from the book you were reading while you sat on the couch. You hadn’t been expecting company and almost didn’t answer the door until another knock, louder and more persistent than the one before. Silently, you padded towards the door and looked through the peep hole. All you could see was a tall figure in their dress blues with their back to the door now.

Your heart stopped beating.

When you finally were able to open the door, Steve was surprisingly the man to turn around and face you. His blue eyes were shining with unshed tears, his face forced into a stony expression. He looked like he had been forced through a meat grinder, layers of bruises and healing cuts marred his beautiful features.

Why was Steve here? In his best uniform no less? And where was Bucky? 

Steve barely whispered your name and realization of what this was finally dawned on you. There could only be one reason why he was the only one here and dressed as he was. Suddenly you found yourself on the floor.

“No. No. No no no no no no.” you whispered as you gasped for breath. “No…no…Bucky…”

Steve dropped down to the ground in front of you and reached out for you, trying to pull you to him. As soon as his hands touched your shoulders, you threw yourself back out of reach.

“I’m so sorry…” Steve whispered as he let his hands fall down to his lap.

“Sorry?” you choked out between sobs. “You’re sorry? You were supposed to bring him home, Steven!” You started screaming and crawled back in front on his crouched form. Your hands found his lapels and bunched them in your fists before shaking him. “You were supposed to bring him home!” 

Steve’s head fell to his chest and his tears were falling freely, his stony expression now one of anguish.

“Y/N…” he choked out, shaking his head slightly side to side before his eyes closed and fresh tears trailed even harder down his cheeks. “I tried…”

His pale eyes opened again and felt selfish when you saw that you weren’t the only one who’d just lost everything. You pulled him towards you until his head was resting on your shoulder and you put your arms around his shoulders. His body sagged against yours and his cries really started. He wrapped his arms around you waist and you sat in the floor, holding each other.

“I’m so sorry, Stevie.” You whispered in his ear before burying your face in the crook of his neck and let your world fall apart around you. You just lost the love of your life; the father of your unborn baby. Steve just lost his brother, his best friend, the only constant in his life since he lost both his parents.

It felt like hours that the two of you were in the floor. You wouldn’t know exactly because it felt like the entire universe had exploded and was burning your entire life to ash. Everything was cruelly upended and ripped to shreds without any warning.

It was so unfair. How were you supposed to live without your other half? How were you supposed to raise your child that you had created together? Was your precious little girl really destined to live her entire life never getting to meet the wonderful man that her father is…or rather, was? 

The wonderful man that her father was. 

Because he is dead.

He died and there was nothing in Heaven or on Earth that could ever bring him back.

When you noticed finally that the sun had gone down, you finally pulled away from Steve, looking up at his sad face, looking so broken and tired. He stood lowly and helped you to your feet. You shared one more long, sad look before wiping at your eyes.

At that moment your stomach grumbled and you clutched at it when you felt your daughter nudge you none too gently, clearly upset that you’d gone so long without food. 

“Would you like something to eat?” you asked, croaked more like, as you walked stiffly over to the kitchen.

He nodded silently and took a seat at the bar as you rummaged around to find something light to snack on. The two of you sat at the bar, not saying a word and barely nibbling on the array of snacks in front of you, until exhaustion knocked the breath out of you. It looked as if Steve was barely able to keep his eyes open as well. The way he glanced at the door every few seconds, you knew he was debating the inevitable of having to go home. Undoubtedly, after the way this day has turned out, you knew he was not looking forward to being alone tonight, just like you.

 

“Steve.” You croaked, your voice hoarse.

He looked up at you.

“Do you want to stay here tonight?” You asked and immediately you could see relief relax his features slightly.

He smiled and nodded his head, unable to form words at the moment. After fixing him a bed on the couch, the bed in your guest room had been put in storage to make room for all the baby stuff that now occupied it. You apologized over and over only for him to brush it off, assuring you he didn’t mind the couch at all.

You’d left him in the living room as you dressed in your night gown and crawled into your large, empty bed, now a lot colder than it had seemed just the night before. Everything about this place seemed so dark and so cold and so lonely now with the knowledge that Bucky wasn’t going to be coming back to occupy any of this with you ever again. You hadn’t realized until now how much his presence alone had brightened every room he was in. His smile alone could have lit up the night’s sky. He was your sun, your moon, your stars and now, you had to learn to live your life in the abyss of this darkness without him to brighten your way.

After hours of tossing and turning, your tears tapering off every now and then only to renew fresh again, you climbed out of bed and peeked out your cracked door to see Steve was staring wide eyed up at the ceiling. Knowing that he was awake, you walked out into the living room. He immediately sat up and patted the couch cushion next to him, inviting you to sit with him. You tucked yourself under his arm as he draped it over your shoulder.

“Couldn’t sleep?” He asked, instantly regretting asking, knowing it was stupid to think you’d be able to rest.

“Steve, what happened? To Buck? How did he…” you stammered, cutting yourself off when you felt your throat tighten up and tears threaten to spill again.

“Not tonight, Y/N. I don’t think we should have that conversation tonight. Let’s grieve his loss a little before I have to tell you how it happened.” He urged you. Steve was never one to think he had any right to tell anyone what was best, or to deny anyone anything ever. The fact that he was reluctant to tell you what happened to him, you knew it had to have been horrible and decided not to push for more tonight, trusting his judgement. You’d still need to get used to his absence before you knew how he had been stolen from you. It’s not like that knowledge would make the heartache any less.

The two of you sat there, comfortable pressed against the other, until you both fell into an uneasy sleep, finding a surprising amount of comfort just from each other’s presence.

The next morning came, the sun seeming to shine a little less bright, its’ rays giving you a little less warmth. Your limbs were stiff, your chest felt hollow, and your head felt like you were maneuvering through a dense fog as you fought to bring yourself to your feet. Steve hadn’t stirred yet, so you opted for a quick shower before you started something for breakfast.

The hot water didn’t bring the warmth it usually did, but you let it stream over your aching muscles regardless, letting is conceal the tears you let slip down your cheeks. The water ran cold before you climbed out onto unsteady legs. Your daughter gave you a slight nudge, bringing a small smile to your face. Your hand rubbed a gentle circle over the solid bump.

Carefully you dressed yourself and let a numbness wash over you, welcoming the new feeling over the crushing devastation from before. You were going to need to cling on to that numbness if you were ever going to survive today. There was going to be so many phone calls to make, arrangements to be made, complicated insurance policies of Bucky’s to be sorted through.

Thankfully, Steve stayed by your side through the entire thing, his side always pressed to yours, his hand gripping yours tight as men in suits bombarded you with questions and information and paperwork to sign. He answered every question he could and guided you through everything. He was familiar with everything that needed to be done since he had made these kinds of preparations for himself every time he was deployed for another tour. After a brief conversation earlier that day, both you and Steve had decided that he would be staying with you for the near, foreseeable future. He had only left you long enough to pack a bag of clothes and toiletries from his apartment.

You now found yourself in yet another office with yet another man in a suit with more papers that needed your signature. The words were starting to run together as you tried to read through what this stack of papers said. Best you could tell, Bucky had named you the sole beneficiary of his savings account and all his insurance policies. It appeared that there was an insanely ridiculous amount of money that was now solely yours. There was enough here to support both you and your baby for many, many years.

A pang shot through your chest, thinking about how Bucky had been preparing for your future together a lot longer than you had realized. He had always been the thoughtful, responsible one in your relationship. You used to tease him about how much of an old man he was, always wanting to plan everything before doing anything.

There was a dull, throbbing pain that had started to pulse right behind your eyes when you finally were able to process some of what this man had been saying to you.

“…good he thought this far ahead and put your name on his account. You are one lucky girl…” He had said without thinking as he filed away the papers into a folder.

“Excuse me…” you had said just barely above a whisper, but with an edge that had both men put their backs up. “…did you just say that I was…lucky?” You were staring at the man in disbelief. Anger was spreading through your body until you felt it vibrating down to even your fingertips. “Did you really just say that to me? How do you assume I’m so lucky?”

The silence was thick as you waited for a response. Steve had gone stiff beside you, giving the man an icy glare. 

“The father of my unborn child just died, but you think I should consider myself lucky because of this money? That instead of planning for the joyous arrival of our daughter, I am sitting here, in this office with you, signing all these fucking documents concerning my dead fiancé. Now, instead of talking about fucking baby names, I am making arrangements for my baby’s father!”

By this point, you’d risen to your feet and had your finger pointing in the face of the man that had offended you. “You assume that I wouldn’t trade every last god damn cent of this money just to have him back instead? You wouldn’t, would you? What the hell do you know about me???” You demanded as the tears started pouring down your face, blurring your vision.

Steve was also on his feet now, one hand on your shoulder and the other on your back. He was trying to gently pull you back and away from the office without any further explosions. Part of Steve may have been scared that you were only seconds from leaping across the table and physically assaulting the man.

“I…I…I’m…s-s-sorry.” He stammered. “I didn’t mean…of course you would…I’m so sorry.”

“Is there anything else?” Steve asked gently as you buried your head in his chest and sobbed.

“Everything’s in order. Information will be mailed with how she can access the money when she’s ready.” The man told Steve as he turned led you out the door. Once in the hallway, you collapsed against Steve, letting him bare most of your weight effortlessly.

“How am I supposed to do all of this without him?” you whispered to Steve. 

He didn’t have an answer. Nobody did. There was no instruction manual for this. There was nobody that could tell them how they would recover from this kind of hurt.

The days that came next were hard, but you and Steve had fallen into a somewhat easy rhythm. After a long discussion about what would happen now and what would be most reasonable for the both of you, he had decided to give up his apartment and move in with you. You’d also decided together that after the baby comes, you would move out of the city and into that farmhouse you had talked about before they had left.

The both of you had already found the perfect house and with the money Bucky had left for you, you were able to pay the down payment without batting an eyelash. Once you were able to take a proper look at the funds in the account, you realized that, however rude the man at the bank had been, he was also completely right. You had no idea how Bucky had acquired that kind of money, but you now had enough to your name that you would never have to work another day in your life; hell maybe even a few lifetimes if you were to live modestly. You made a mental not to ask Steve if he knew how Bucky had come up with that much money.

The service for Bucky had been beautiful in your humble opinion. The decorations and the service were kept a bit on the modest side. You knew that Bucky would have been mortified by a huge spectacle and even more so if he knew that it had been depressing. You chose bright, beautiful wildflowers that reminded you of the meadow where he proposed. This was supposed to be a celebration of his life, not a mournful ceremony of his passing.

It shouldn’t have surprised you to see so many people in attendance that morning. The little church that hosted his service was packed to the brim and overflowing with people coming to pay their respects to the fallen soldier. The audience varied from people in your building that had gotten to know him in passing, to people he had worked with, big burly guys that served with he and Steve, and even some of the nurses that had worked with you at the hospital. It seemed that everyone he had ever met he had made an impression on. It would appear that it wasn’t only your life that was brighter just by having had him in it. The beautiful words shared by all these wonderful people, sharing their experiences with Bucky, made the whole day a lot easier to get through.

Another couple days after that, you and Steve were boxing up the non-essential items for the movers. You were wrapping some of the dishes from the cabinet when you felt a tightening through your middle. By now, you were used to cramps as your body was prepping for labor so you brushed it off. You’d had so many false alarms that you were starting to think you would never actually start labor. It wasn’t too long after that you felt it again, this time slightly more intense than the last.

You gasped this time and clutched at your belly, rubbing the area that was cramping up. You didn’t realize Steve was watching you until he spoke up. He didn’t miss anything. “Are you alright?” He asked.

“M’fine.” You grunted as you continued to rub the top of your belly.

“Maybe you should take a rest.” He had suggested as he walked over to you, grabbing your hand and placing the other on your back as he urged you towards the couch. “I told you that you shouldn’t be doing this. Your body is working so hard as it is.”

You couldn’t help but smile at his thoughtfulness and sincerity. 

“I really think I’m alright. She’s just being a little rougher on me today than usual.” You tried to assure him, but he was having none of it.

“No way, Y/N. Rest. Please.”

You’d looked him dead in the eye and you could tell by the stern look on his face that he wasn’t going to let you lift another finger to help. With a sigh, you caved.

“Fine. I guess I could use a shower. And maybe a nap.” 

“Perfect. I’ll finish up the kitchen and then we can order some take-out. Sound good?” He said as he released your hand, letting you walk into the bathroom by yourself.

You nodded with a smile before shutting the door. As guilty as you felt letting Steve do all the hard work, you weren’t feeling bad enough to stop yourself from enjoying a nice hot shower. It was one of the few things that you were still able to enjoy while you were pregnant. Carefully, you undressed and only stopped once when another uncomfortable cramp washed through your middle. It was over pretty quick and you were able to relax under the stream of water in peace.

Once you finished and made your way to your bedroom, you opted for some comfy sweats and tried to lay down. Unfortunately, it only lasted 20 minutes before the tightening in your belly became too painful to ignore anymore. 

“Steve!” you called out, sounding a bit too panicked than you meant to. “Steve! I think we should call the doctor.”

He appeared at your door, eyes wide and almost completely out of breath.

“Is it time?” He whispered.

“Maybe. I think so. If it’s not labor then I still think I should get it checked out. Can you bring me my phone?” You were struggling to sit up when another wave hit you, causing you to cry out and clutch the sheets to help ground yourself from the pain.

Steve was by your side, helping you out of bed and letting you grip his hand as the pain became too much to bare.

“Yeah, let’s just go on to the hospital. We will call the doctor once we are in the car.” He urged as he pulled you up from the bed. He grabbed the bags you had luckily prepared the day before, your purse, and phone and led you down to the car.

Once you were as comfortable as you were ever going to be in the front seat of a car, he was speeding out into traffic. Already, he was on the phone with the hospital to let them know you were on your way. By the time he pulled into the parking lot, you were screaming through another contraction. Nurses were waiting with a wheelchair and whisked you away as soon as your car door was open.

Monitors and beeping machines were now surrounding you. Steve, unsurprisingly, stayed by your side the entire time, trying to keep you comfortable and was helping you any way that he possibly could. Although he hadn’t attended any of the child birthing classes with you, he seemed to get the general idea of the do’s and do-not’s of being a birthing partner.

When an unknowing nurse made the comment of what a good partner Steve seemed to be and how he would make an amazing father, a wave of grief come over you. Steve was there instantly, pressing his forehead to yours in a soothing gesture and whispered comforting words to keep your tears from getting out of control during this already stressful time.

“Shhh, baby girl. Everything is going to be just fine.” He was cooing, his voice so soft and warm, making you feel calmer already. “You know I’m always going to be here for you. Right here. I’m never going to leave you alone. I know you’re scared of doing this without Bucky. He would have been the best father and husband had he been given the chance, but you are unfortunately stuck with me instead.” His words were smooth and gentle, but you could see the tears starting to form in his eyes despite the smile he fought to keep in place. “I will never be able to replace him, but I promise you, I am going to take care of you and this baby girl like you were my own. You both will have everything you will ever need. You are the only family I’ve got left now and I’m never going to leave you. You’re my girl, Y/N, and so is this baby. We can make it through this as long as we stay together.”

You’ll never know what you did to deserve a friend like Steve Rogers, but you’ll pray to God every single day, thanking him every time for bringing him into your life. His words were beautiful and exactly what you needed to hear to make it through everything that’s happened. He was amazing and perfect and you couldn’t believe you were so lucky to still have him in your life. 

Steve smoothed your hair out of your face before wiping the stray tears still falling down your cheeks with the pads of his thumb. He kissed your forehead and pulled away only slightly as the doctor came in to check your progress.

Too soon, you were pushing. Steve was holding your hand with his right and had your knee pushed up in the crook of his left as he praised you constantly at how amazing you were doing. He would urge you gently every time the doctor said to push. The pain you felt had been unlike anything you had ever experienced before and you instantly regretted your decision to opt out of the epidural. 

You cried and screamed with every push, but even through it, you found the pain to be a bit of a cathartic release. With every agonizing push, with every hot tear, with every ear piercing scream, you were able to release all the pain you’d been feeling in the past week. To feel it somewhat manifest into a physical pain was a bit of a release for you, thankful you were able to have this outlet to express everything you’d been holding in.

The next couple hours passed in a blur and before you realized it was over, you were holding your baby girl in your arms. On top of her head she had a wild tuft of dark hair, reminding you of Bucky’s shaggy, crazy hairstyle. ‘Looks like it was genetic after all,’ you’d thought to yourself. She was calm, quiet, and sleeping when you offered her to Steve to hold for the first time. She had just been fed and you were ready for her to meet the most important man in your lives now.

More than eager, he took the baby from your arms and unwillingly your eyes closed. He was settling into the chair beside your bed as you fought to listen to what he had started saying to the sleeping baby. Unfortunately, his soothing, calming voice was lulling you to sleep, only catching fragments as he told your daughter of her father already and how proud he was to know of her even before she was born.

“If there is only one thing I can promise you, it’s going to be that you will know that your father was a hero and how much he loved both you and your mother.” Steve’s voice was a whisper, so soft, you thought that it might have all been a dream. “You’re gonna be stuck with me instead little one, until the end of the line.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a peek into Steve and Reader’s lives as they adjust to Bucky’s loss. I don’t really wanna say this is a filler chapter, because for me to progress, we have to know how they’ve moved on. Big changes are coming, so please, don’t give up on this series yet! It’s gonna get very exciting!

Two weeks after the birth of your daughter, Jamie, you and Steve were still unpacking boxes into your new home. Well, new home is a figurative term.

The old farmhouse you’d bought had been a bit worn down, but you’d gotten such a deal on it that you could live with fixing it up yourself. Steve, being the man that he is, took on most of the home repairs by himself, assuring you that you should save your energy and focus on your newborn.

“I’ll have this place looking like new before you know it,” he’s often say with a wide smile on his face.

He started on the most obvious work first, fixing up the kitchen and the bathrooms enough to make it livable for the three of you. This place couldn’t have been more perfect for your fresh start.

At this moment, you were standing in the kitchen, unpacking some of the dishes and sorting them into the cabinets as Jamie napped peacefully in her crib in her recently finished nursery. Just outside the window over the sink, you would catch glimpses of Steve, who was in the backyard by an old shed, chopping wood for the fireplace. It was still Autumn, but he had insisted over and over that Winter would be here before either of you realized and he wanted to be prepared.

You tried to focus on the task at hand, wiping down each dish before you placed them into their new home, but you kept getting distracted by the roll of his shoulders as he swung the axe, by the grunts of exertion, by the way the sweat dripped down his neck, soaking the collar of his thin tee. The cotton material clung to his damp skin, accentuating the hard planes of his chest and abs. He truly was a magnificent creature. It wasn’t your fault you were transfixed by the flexing muscles as they moved so fluidly under his skin. 

Memories of Bucky suddenly overwhelmed you as you remembered thinking nearly the same exact thing about him not too long ago. The guilt crashed over you as you gasped and nearly stumbled even though you were standing still. Tears pressed behind your eyes, thickening your throat, as you fought the urge to cry.

Fuck, what was that about? 

It had to be the influx of hormones still rushing through your body. There was no other excuse for ogling Steve like you just had been. He was Bucky’s best friend for fucks sake! He was your best friend! He deserves better than that!

But even so, you couldn’t keep yourself from looking out the window one more time. Steve had removed his shirt, and used it to wipe the sweat from his brow and face. It looked like he was finishing up. 

He had been working so hard, maybe he could use a nice tall glass of lemonade. Yeah, let’s go take him something cool to drink. He’s earned it.

Steve looked up when he heard the screen door bounce closed, and smiled that small smile like he does when he sees you.

“Thanks, YN! You’re a real peach,” He said as he gratefully took the glass from your hand and gulped down half of the contents in one go. You chuckled at his enthusiasm and took the quickly emptied glass back from him. “How’s J-Bird?” He asked, referring to the baby with his preferred nickname.

“She’s sleeping peacefully in her brand new nursery, thanks to her Uncle Steve,” you said as you gestured back toward the house. “You’ve done so much for us. I don’t know how I can ever repay you for everything you’ve done so far.

“Stop. You know I enjoy this work.” He looked around to the house and the pile of wood he’d just finished chopping. “Working with my hands, it makes sense to me. Plus, you have to know that I love you and J with everything in me. It’s the least I could do. And not just because Buck threatened me before the deployment.” His smile faded slightly and adopted a more serious tone. “You know that you aren’t just my best friends’ girl, right? You’re my family too. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through losing Buck if it weren’t for you.”

Somehow, you weren’t sure how, you’d managed not to cry as you wrapped your arms around his slim waist and pulled his sweaty chest into a bone crushing hug that he immediately returned. You held him, not thinking to let him go, until you heard a shrill cry from the monitor that you’d left in the kitchen.

“I better go check on her. She’s probably hungry. Do you want me to come back and help you bring all this onto the porch when I’m done?” You asked as you started back stepping slowly towards the house.

“Nah, I think I can manage on my own,” he said with a smile, picking up the axe again.

“Knew better than to even ask,” you grumpled half-heartedly, turning towards the house. Behind you, you could hear Steve chuckle, and then the sound of the axe splitting wood again.

__________

 

It’s 3 am. 

You know this because you can see the red numbers glaring at you, mocking you, from its place in your nightstand. 

It’s 3 am and Jamie is crying. She’s crying and no matter what you’ve tried, you can’t seem to make her stop. You’ve nursed, you’ve rocked, you’ve changed, you’ve sang, but nothing is soothing the fussing baby. 

It’s 3 am and you’re lying in bed, curled around Jamie’s flailing body, your arms wrapped protectively around her. 

You’ve completely given up as her cries pierce the otherwise quiet night. It’s difficult to recall how long the two of you have been lying like this, and even harder to remember when your own sobs had started. The cries calm for a couple seconds and you think, just maybe, she’s going to go back to sleep, but of course the crying renews, and with it, your own cries strengthen as well. 

Breaking through the sounds of your sobs is a quiet knock on the door, and then the creaking of the rusty hinges as it slowly opens.

“Is there anything I can do?” Steve’s low voice can barely be heard over the crying, but he’s there, the mattress dipping with his weight by your legs.

“I c-can’t do this,” you sob as you wipe at your runny nose with the back of your hand. “I can’t make her stop. I d-don’t know what w-wrong with me.” You curl into yourself further, pulling Jamie even closer into your chest.

Steve shushes you, rubbing his hand up your lower thigh, soothing you, before he’s standing, leaning over your body, to ease the baby out of bed. Her cries subside a little when he starts cooing and bouncing her softly in his large arms.

“Maybe I could go make her a bottle. We’ve still got those samples they gave us at the hospital,” he suggests quietly.

“N-no, I w-wanted to nurse her. I sh-should be able to feed my own baby,” you sob, fresh tears streaming hotly.

“Hey, hey, now. It’s ok,” Steve coos as he adjusts his hold on Jamie to be able to place his warm hand on your shoulder. “You still can, but not like this, alright? Remember what the nurse said before we left the hospital? You’ve got to take care of yourself first. Or you won’t be able to take care of her. You need a break, just for a few hours. Get some rest, and then try again in the morning. What do you say?”

You sniffle again, wiping your face against your pillow, and then nod weakly.

“There’s my girl,” Steve cajoled as he urged you to turn over. “Come on, take my room. Go get comfortable in my bed and I’ll stay in here with J.”

You had opened your mouth to protest as he helped pull you out of bed, but he shook his head before you could get a word out.

“Don’t even try. I’ve got this. Go on. Sleep. I’ll come wake you if I need anything, alright? Now go.”

His hand is on your shoulder as he gently pushes you forward, walking with you down the hall to his room.

“Are you sure-”

“Very. Now go get some rest,” Steve assured you as you reached his bedroom door.

“Thank you, Steve,” you cried, turned back to him and buried your face into his chest, hugging him briefly, as he opened the door for you.

He kissed the top of your head and then disappeared down the hall, making his way to the kitchen to make a bottle for Jamie.

You felt guilty letting him shoulder the responsibility all by himself, but you couldn’t deny how exhausted you were anymore. You couldn’t deny the loneliness and the anxiety that crept up on you every time the sun went down. You loved that baby girl with everything inside of you, but being when it was dark, and the quiet started to settle over the house, and you were alone with Jamie...you couldn’t deny how much you had wished Bucky were still here.

You climbed into Steve’s bed where the blankets were turned down, snuggling in and enveloping yourself into the lingering warmth from where he’d previously been lying. The pillowcase still smelled of him, so comforting and relaxing. It took only seconds for you finally fall asleep.

__________

One Year Later

It’s the night after Jamie’s first birthday, and you’d finally gotten the rambunctious toddler down in her crib. You just poured yourself a glass of wine, reaching for a second as Steve walked into the kitchen and flopped into a seat at the table. 

You slid a full glass towards him as you sat down in the chair beside him. 

“Thanks,” he mumbled gratefully as he took the glass and proceeded to gulp down the entirety of its contents. You quickly refilled his glass.

“What a day, huh?” You commented, studying his profile, admiring his sharp jawline and strong cheekbones. He was so beautiful despite his tired expression; because of his tired expression is more like it. He looked even more like an adorable, pouty puppy dog. 

“You can say that again. I thought I was in better shape than this. Now that J-Bird is walking, I can barely keep up,” he grumbled as he sipped from his glass, taking his time with this one.

The two of you sat in silence, taking in the peace and quiet after such a loud, eventful, nonstop day. At least, that was until you could help but blurt out something that you’d been wondering for several months. 

“Why have I never seen you with a girlfriend?” you asked and then blushed furiously when you finally realized you’d said it aloud.

Steve chuckled and turned to face you, setting his glass down on the table. “I don’t know. I’ve been with girls, more than my fair share, honestly, but they never seem to be what I’m looking for so we don’t stay together. Bucky met a couple of them over the years, but none were ever serious enough to bring around.” He looked down sheepishly, suddenly finding the lines of the table fascinating as he traced them with a finger.

“Do you think you’ll ever find ‘the one’? Do you think that exists for everyone?” you asked earnestly, and he finally looked back up to you. You couldn’t describe what it was that you saw face right then, but it left you breathless. His blue eyes stared wide and longingly into yours and your heart skipped a beat.

“I thought I had once, but…” He whispered, but trailed off, his eyes not blinking as he continued to stare into yours.

“But what?” you whispered back, holding your breath, anxious for something you weren’t even sure about.

“But...she had already found her ‘one’. She’d already belonged with someone else.”

Your breath left you with a sharp exhale and Steve looked down at the table again.

What was happening?!? Was he implying that you….that you were....no, of course not...he couldn’t be...but maybe…

Stop being a fucking idiot! Of course he wasn’t talking about you! 

But whatever was happening, there was no denying the pull that you felt towards Steve anymore. There was definitely something there; something you’d felt growing between the two of you for a while now.

Every cell in your being cried out, longing to touch him, to comfort him, to kiss him. It wouldn’t take much. All you had to to was lean forward, take his face between your hands and…

But in the blink of an eye, the moment was cut short as Steve quickly stood, his chair scraping against the hardwood, and drained his glass once more. Without sparing you another glance, he turned around, deposited his glass in the sink, and strode from the room. A few seconds later, you heard his bedroom door shut, leaving you in complete and utter silence. 

The whole scene must have been all in your head.

Shame flushed through your checks and down your chest, settling heavily. You were ridiculous. You knew better than to let your imagination run wild like that.

And why were you suddenly feeling jilted...upset...rejected? You had no reason to be. Nothing had even happened! You shouldn’t have even been entertaining the idea of kissing Steve. What the hell was wrong with you?

And what about Bucky? Could you really move on so quickly? Did you think he would be so easy to replace? He had been your ‘one’. You’d already had your chance at your happily ever after and he was gone. That was something that you wouldn’t get to have ever again.

Don’t be that person...don’t be a selfish bitch. 

You opened another bottle and helped yourself to the entire bottle before heading to bed, sporting a healthy buzz. You checked on Jamie, who was still sleeping soundly in her crib. You checked the baby monitor that sat on your night stand, making sure it had been turned on.

As you let your clothes slide off your body and to the floor, your eyes fell to the jewelry box that laid on the top of your chest. The urge was strong tonight. It was almost as if it were calling for you, tempting you to endulge in the painful memories that it held inside.

Tonight seemed as good a night as any for some masochistic torture. Forgoing the pajamas, you opened the jewelry box and pulled out the engagement ring that Bucky had given you, sliding it onto its previous home, letting the weight settle heavily.

When you had come home from the hospital with Jamie a year ago, you had decided it was time to retire the ring to the jewelry box. The memories were too painful; too overwhelming. You’d hated to do it, but you had to think of your daughter, and to be strong for her. So you put it up, keeping it safe with the intention that one day, you’d give it to Jamie when she would be old enough to appreciate the sentiment of wearing the ring given to you by her father. 

But tonight...tonight you needed to feel the guilt, the pain, the sadness. Tonight, you’d keep the ring on as you attempted to fall asleep, dreaming of your lost love and the life you should have been living.

 

__________

 

Another year later.

Jamie’s second birthday is just around the corner. You’d taken a break from planning to chase the giggling toddler around the back yard. The warm weather had started to shift, to cool as autumn had just taken over.

Steve was across the way, chopping wood, just like he always did this time of year. Bless him, he always insisted on being prepared. Jamie was rolling around in the grass as you huffed for breath before finally collapsing in the shade of a nearby tree, continuing to watch your daughter giggle and play. Looking up to Steve, you saw him pause, wiping the sweat from his brow as he watched Jamie with a bright smile on his face.

That night, almost a year ago, it had been all but forgotten, pushed so far into the back of your mind that you’d almost been able to convince yourself that it never actually happen. Well, for Steve, it literally didn’t happen. For you, though...well, you tried. Nothing had happened since then either. There had been no hint that he had ever had any other feeling towards you other than the platonic love that you’d always felt for each other. You were family and he took care of each other as such.

And you felt almost disappointed. It was harder to fight that what you were feeling was still only classified as that anymore. Every day that passed, you could feel something shifting, something moving, something evolving deep, deep inside. The way you felt every time you looked at him...it was definitely different.

It started with glances that would linger just a few seconds longer than what was considered to be friendly. But that had been obvious from the beginning, so it hardly counted. You had always appreciated a good-looking man, and by the gods, Steve was definitely a good-looking man.

What changed, though, was that at least before, you could say that it was because it had been so long since you’d been with someone. You could blame loneliness and your body’s natural urges for the lingering, longing glances. And Steve just so happened to be around all the time. There was shirtless Steve cooking breakfast, or wet Steve fresh from the shower with a towel slung low around his slender hips, or sexy Steve wearing those ridiculously tight shirts always drenched with sweat after his morning workouts.

But when Steve had started talking about a girl he’d met at the supermarket, you couldn’t ignore the pang of hurt that shot through your chest, nearly stealing all the breath from your lungs. You didn’t know at first if you felt protective, or jealous, or whatever, but you did know that whatever this feeling was, it wasn’t warranted or welcomed. Steve had put his life on hold for so long to help you raise a daughter that wasn’t even his. 

He deserved to be happy. He deserved his own life. He deserved to find someone that fit him like Bucky had fit with you. 

You’d never admit it aloud, because you didn’t want to admit how selfish and horrible of a person you were, but you were thankful that the relationship fizzled out after only the one date. But it forced you to realize that you had real, adult, romantic feelings for Steve. You realized that you had started to long for him just as you used to long for Bucky. And you hated yourself for it. So you kept all those feeling buried deep down, locked away, hoping they would suffocate and die.

You almost didn’t notice, being so wrapped up in your longing and self-loathing that you hadn’t noticed Steve walking towards you until he had already taken a seat beside you, leaning back against the big oak tree, shoulder brushing against yours.

“She looks more like him every day, don’t you think,” Steve mused as the two of you watched Jamie as she picked clovers in the grass.

You looked affectionately at Jamie, taking in her dark, curly hair, big blue eyes, and wide, bright smile. Indeed she did look more and more like Bucky with every passing day. She also seemed to have picked up his good-natured, easy-going, slightly extroverted personality. She was basically his clone. 

“Speaking of him, I was thinking, maybe it’s time to take her out to visit his headstone,” you said, looking thoughtfully up to Steve. “I know it’s just a stone, and his body isn’t really there, but it’s got his name on it and...I don’t know...it’s something she might be able to start associating with him, I guess. Do you think she’s too young?”

“Nah, I think it’s good to start while she’s young. She still won’t understand what it is, but I think it’s good to start now. When do you want to go?”

“Maybe this week? I was thinking tomorrow if they weather stays this nice. Would you wanna come with us?” You asked timidly, peeking up at him through your lashes.

“I would never make my two best girls go by themselves,” He replied with a smile as he wrapped one of his long arms around your shoulders and pulled you close so he could kiss the top of your head.

__________

 

The next day comes and Steve is driving the three of you to the cemetery. You had planned to spend the rest of the day in the city after having a picnic by the gravestone. You’d even called Sam to see if he and his family would be up for a quick visit, seeing as how you hadn’t been able to spend much time with them lately. 

The trip to the cemetery had gone well. Jamie had rolled around on a blanket by Bucky’s grave as you’d talked to his headstone, telling it stories as if it were really Bucky and you were catching him up on the day to day stuff he’s been missing. 

Sam and his family had welcomed the three of you into their home graciously, eager to have you visit after months of not seeing each other. The kids all played happily with Jamie even though she was a few years younger than their youngest, while you and Steve talked happily with Sam and his wife. 

The sun was setting when the three of you finally made it back home. You pulled the sleeping toddler from her car seat, careful not to wake her, as Steve grabbed the diaper bag and the stroller. It didn’t take long to tuck her into her toddler bed, opting not to change her out of her clothes so as not to risk waking her. 

With one more parting glance, you closed her door and, after grabbing the baby monitor from your room, you made your way to the living room, collapsing on the couch, stretching out against the cushions. You flipped through a few channels before settling on some old reruns. 

Steve found you only a few minutes later and you lifted your legs so he could take a seat beside you. He pulled your legs back into his lap so you could stretch out again, resting his large palm over your knee. 

“Today was really nice.” You’d offered quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace that had settled around the two of you. “We don’t go out enough. We should go out more.”

Steve only nodded and hummed as his eyes fluttered closed, exhausted from all the days activities.

“Go to bed, Steve.” You urged as you nudged his side with your foot.

He chuckled and sluggishly pushed himself up from the couch. “Do you need anything before I go?” he asked, always so thoughtful and considerate.

“I’m good. I’m just going to lay here for a little longer before going to bed too. Thank you for today.” 

“Anytime, princess,” You smiled as he kissed the top of your head before disappearing into his bedroom and closing the door.

You were mindlessly watching the television, not really taking in what was happening as you let your mind wander aimlessly. You weren’t sure how many shows you’d sat through, letting your eyes flutter closed, before you had resigned yourself to finally to to bed too. Just as you passed by Steve’s door, you heard quiet, muffled grunts coming from inside.

Your heart sank. This wasn’t the first time you’d heard Steve having a nightmare. He had been prone to having them since he’d come home from that last deployment, but it had been a while since you’d heard him have one.

You paused after approaching his door. Pressing your ear to the wood, you listened carefully, hoping that the nightmare had already passed. You’d longed to go in, to comfort him like you used to do, but now, with these feelings you’d been having, it felt almost too...intimate.

After a few seconds, you were almost convinced the dream was over. As you pulled away, you heard a choked whimper, followed by a louder, strangled cry. It would probably be best to go in, wake him, before it developed into a full blown night terror.

“Steve,” you whispered as you slowly pushed the door open with a slight creak. “Steve.” You crept closer and closer, one slow step at a time, careful to to startle him. “Wake up, Steve. It’s only a dream.”

He was writhing, on his back, clutching at the sheets underneath his burly body. Another whimper escaped those pouty lips as his eyebrows creased. When you noticed a lone tear leaking out of the corner of his scrunched eyes, you placed your hand softly against his cheek, your thumb grazing against his cheekbone and swiping at the tear still lingering there. 

“No, no,” he moaned, painfully, pitifully. “No, take me…”

“Steve,” you whispered more urgently, placing your hands on his shoulders now, not quite shaking him, but more pressing into him and gently releasing, hoping that you would be able to peacefully rouse him.

“No, no nO NO NO NO!” He cried, flying up into a sitting position, flailing his arms slightly, until he was wrapped in your arms. You clutched him tightly to you, trying to crush his body into yours, comforting him, as his chest heaved, desperately pulling in deep breaths.

“Hey, you’re ok now, it was just a dream,” you cooed in a shaky voice, struggling to keep your own tears from falling.

“I saw it again...I saw him again...B-buck...the day we...the day he...God, I couldn’t save him…” Steve sobbed as he buried his face into your shoulder, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into his lap, your knees going to either side of his hips, him clinging to you. “Should have been me...supposed to be me...but he...he shoulda...he should have let me die...I wish it were me...Fuck, I wish it had been me…”

Your tears overflowed down onto your cheeks, knowing he was remembering the day Bucky died. He just relived the entire incident; the convoy, the explosion, Bucky pulling Steve from the burning vehicle, then Bucky getting shot, falling backwards. Steve had reached for him, but another explosion had separated them, blowing them both in opposite directions. By the time Steve could crawl back towards Bucky, he couldn’t find him. He struggled as he dug through the rubble...the heat from their burning vehicle...the smoke suffocating...the way his aching muscles yearned for rest...but he struggled through...throwing debris aside and he searched...but only finding a chunk of Bucky’s left arm, severed from his body just above the elbow before being pulled backwards and dragged to safety…screaming, pleading, begging…

You clutched Steve tighter...so tight you felt your muscles protest, but you wouldn't, no, you couldn’t let him go. The first time he’d told you how Bucky had died, you hadn’t been able to sleep for a week, crying uncontrollably almost every night...and you hadn’t even been the one to witness it first hand. You weren’t the one struggling with the survivors guilt. You’d never be able to understand how deep his turmoil and guilt lived inside of him.

But you could hold him. You could do everything physically possible to comfort him. If you could soothe his tormented mind however briefly for just a little while, well, then, at least it would be something.

“...shoulda been me...supposed to be me...shoulda been me…” Steve continued to sob, his finger digging into your soft waist.

“Shhhh,” you tried to whisper into his ear, fighting against your own tears, fighting against your own heartbreak for the pain Steve was wallowing in. “Shhhh, I’m here. I’m here, you’re gonna be ok. I’m here. I gotcha.”

Steve’s sobs lessened marginally, but his hold on you never let up. He still clutched onto you desperately, pulling you further into his lap, nuzzling his nose into your neck. 

“That’s it, let it out. I got you. You’re safe now. I’m here,” you whispered again, pressing a tender kiss just above his ear. You felt his body relax beneath yours. So you pressed another soft kiss to the side of his head. Then to his temple. Before you could stop, you were peppering small kisses all along the side of his face, not able to fight the urge as you felt his trembling slow.

You pulled back, just a bit, and cupped his jaw in both of your hands. He kept his head down, eyes closed, but his face looked less pained than it had before. Your thumb stroked along his cheekbone, and he leaned into your caress, letting out a small, quiet sigh.

Then, your lips were on his, and you were kissing him with everything you had.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look at the next couple years in the lives of Jamie and Steve and Reader. They take a vacation to celebrate Jamie’s 4th birthday. And life changes for them as Reader and Steve explore a new dynamic of their relationship.

**Oh god.  Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, what the fuck was wrong with you?!?!?!?  Why’d you have to do that?!?  You just kissed Steve!!!  Correction, you are kissing Steve!  Your lips are still pressed to his...and he’s actually kissing you back?!?!?!?**

**What the fuck was this?  You gotta stop...you gotta pull away...you gotta...you gotta...you gotta...oh wait...oh...oh no...he’s pulling away.  This isn't supposed to happen...you shouldn’t have done this...you gotta tell him, it was an accident.  You didn’t mean it.  You gotta...quick, you gotta tell him something.**

Steve pulled away.  But he didn't let you go.  

**Ok, that isn’t so bad.  Maybe he was just...oh shit.  He looks so sad.  He regrets this.  He didn’t want to kiss you, but he’s afraid of rejecting you because that’s the kind of guy that Steve is.  He doesn’t want...**

“Thank you,” he whispers, pulling you out of your reverie. His head ducks down and he rests his cheek on your shoulder, his nose brushing just-so against your neck.

**Well, that’s not the worst reaction to your impromptu kiss.**  You weren’t sure what he was thanking you for, but you weren’t going to question it.  Instead, you just held him.  You would continue to hold him and comfort him, run your hands along his shoulders slowly, sometimes even bringing your fingers up to brush through his longer-than-usual hair.

He didn’t say another word. He basked in your comfort until his body started to go limp beneath you. When you tried to swing your leg back over his waist so you could get off the bed, his hand wrapped around your wrist, pulling you back to his side with pleading eyes.

You nod as you shift your position and lie down on your side, facing him. You pull him down and cradle his head to your chest, one hand wrapped around his shoulder as your other weaves your fingers through his hair. His arms are tight around your waist, locking you into place.

You start humming a soft, sweet lullaby that you usually would sing to Jamie before bedtime.  It appears to have the same effect on the both of them because, not a few minutes later, Steve’s body is relaxed and he starts to snore softly.

The next morning, you wake up in an empty bed. Steve’s probably gone for his usual morning workout.  Even though you feel a slight pang in your chest, you know it’s for the best.  Steve obviously hadn’t thought the kiss had meant anything, so, taking a page from his book, you’ll lock the memory away and pretend like it never happened.

_____

**Two More Years Later**

No more kisses or late night comforts or anything out of the way between you and Steve since that night. Both of your daily lives continued on as they usually do. Pleasantries were exchanged, playful ribbing had occurred often, longing glances were...no, wait, that was just you...just you staring longingly, pathetically, at him.

Jamie’s 4th Birthday was just around the corner. Lately, her little personality had been absolutely exploding out of her, very much resembling that of her father. You’d already known she was very much like him, but damn, you hadn’t really prepared for a carbon copy like this.

But you couldn’t have been prouder. She took after every single one of his best traits. She was funny and courageous and outgoing and so very, very, very kind.

In the next month, she was due to start preschool, so Steve had made the suggestion that it might be time to take your first official family vacation together, sort of as one last hurrah as well as celebrate Jamie’s birthday.

You had enthusiastically agreed and quickly started making the necessary arrangements. It took only a couple days of planning and searching for vacancies, but you’d eventually found a secluded beach house that you were able to rent for an entire week only several hours away. A long trip for a little one, but it wouldn’t be the most terrible thing to endure.

The next day, you had your car loaded up and ready to go. Setting out as the sun was going down, Steve drove the entire way, leaving you to navigate. Jamie slept most of the trip in her car seat, thankfully. She’d always been a sound sleeper during car rides. (Yet another thing she had inherited from Bucky).

By the time the sun rose again, you’d made it to the quaint little beach house. Jamie started stirring in the back seat as Steve begins to unload all the baggage from the trunk.

“C’mon, leave it for a minute. I wanna walk down to see the ocean,” you pleaded with enthusiasm, more excited that you thought you’d be to be here.

Steve smiles that endearing way that he does as he drops the luggage by the car and hurried over to where you and Jamie are standing. He scoops the girl in his arms and settles her up onto his shoulders.  When she’s secure and squealing with excitement, he’s jogging down walkway to the private beach.

“Hey!  Wait for me!” You called out, laughing as you tried to catch up.

_____

It’s been two days since you arrived and, as you had expected, Jamie LOVES the beach.  You love it.  Steve also seems to be enjoying himself. Both of you have spent most of your time chasing J around or looking for shells, but right now, you were finally able to rest and lounge in one of the reclining chairs, reading one of the books you’d found in the house. At least, you’re trying to read, but it’s proving difficult as you keep getting distracted by giggling and laughter coming from Steve and Jamie.

The two are settled in the sand just a few feet away, Jamie sitting in Steve’s lap as they add seashells to the sandcastle they just finished building. The sight is so endearing. So, you dig your camera out of your beach bag and snap several pictures, being sure to capture the smiles on both their faces as they continue their task with careful determination.

You looked at the playback, to make sure you had a decent one, finding that you’d captured the most perfect picture on only the second try. The sun shining brightly behind them, causing just the slightest, almost ethereal glare that floated around them as if they were glowing. Jamie’s hand was on top of Steve’s as he adds a beautiful pink shell to the very top of the tallest tower. They are both smiling perfect, luminescent smiles and you can’t help but get just the slightest bit teary-eyed at the happiness and joy exuding from the screen.

**This was the one!**  You were gonna blow it up and frame it on the living room wall just as soon as you got back home.

You’re still admiring the image on the screen when, out of absolutely nowhere, you are pegged with a clump of sand. A bit shell-shocked, your head whips up and you find the guilty pair staring at you, trying to hide their amused smiles. They almost look innocent, if it weren’t for the peal of giggles suddenly bursting from Jamie.

The camera is quickly tossed back into the bag as you jump up from your seat.

  
“Alright, who did it?” You ask with mock anger, barely containing your own smile from emerging and breaking your facade. “Come on; just admit it and nobody has to get hurt.”

“Done what?  We have no idea what you’re talking about,” Steve argued as he stood, pulling Jamie up on his hip. He started to slowly back away as you began to stalk forward. Jamie had not been able to contain herself as another peal of laughter started shaking her chest, curling her tiny body around Steve, shrieking in excitement as she watched you close in on them.

“Don’t play dumb, Rogers. It doesn’t suit you,” you teased.

Steve bumps Jamie up further on his hip before he takes off running towards the water, away from you.  You gladly chase them into the crashing waves.

The rest of the afternoon, and well into the evening, is spent playing and running and splashing and building bigger, better, more spectacular sand castles.  

By the time the sun had started to set in the sky, Jamie was falling asleep in your lounge chair.  You carried her back to the house while Steve stayed behind to gather up the toys and chairs and towels that the three of you left strewed about the beach.  As Jamie grumbled sleepily, you were able to take her to the bathroom, strip her out of her bathing suit, and rinse off most of the sand. When you had her changed into pajamas and tucked her snugly into bed, you finally made your way back into the kitchen, intent on finding a snack before cleaning up for bed yourself.

As soon as you rounded the corner into the dining room, you could see Steve through the sliding glass doors of the kitchen, rinsing himself underneath the showerhead on the porch that was used for, well, yeah, that exact purpose.

You gave even yourself some pretty serious Peeping Tom vibes as you stood there, frozen, watching him.  His back was turned your way as he ran his hands through those silken golden locks that he’d been letting grow out.  The bands of muscles rolled and rippled almost rhythmically across his shoulders and down his back as he flexed and relaxed under the stream of water.  His hands worked through his hair, moving down to swipe slowly down his face, emphasizing the broad expanse of his shoulders.

He reached for a bar of soap from the tray attached to the shower pole, suds up his hands, and then began to wash that deliciously sun-bronzed skin.  He looked like a golden god; long dark gold hair, dark skin, so smooth and silky, and hard.  An Adonis among men. 

His movements were slow, methodical, steady.  You were drawn to watching the way his large hands would stroke along his arms, down his sides, his lower back.  You could see the confidence in his touch.  With each swipe along his hard body, it was easier to imagine that it was your body he was sliding effortless across.

He worked his soapy hands around his trim waist, glancing quickly to the left and then again to the right, then slipped those long fingers inside the waistband of his trunks and pushed them down his hips.  They fell to the weathered wood beneath his feet with a wet thump.

**Oh gods, he was completely exposed!**  If he turned around even just a bit, you’d be able to see his...yep, ok, this is it. You’d just bought your one-way ticket straight to Hell because, against the rational, reasonable part of your brain screaming at you to **turn around, not to look, to give him some motherfucking privacy!**  

Instead, you took a small step back, doing your best to blend into the shadows even though the suns late evening rays were still streaming in through the large windows. Your back was pressed against the far wall of the dining room.  Your skin felt hot, feverish, as you continued to watch.  
  
**Please, for the love of all that you hold pure and holy, please turn the fuck around!  Run away!  This is an incredible violation of his privacy.**

**_Shut up and go join him!_**  
  
**No, nope, no way.**  Everything about this is so very, very wrong.

**Grow a pair!  Go out there, press your body against his!  How long has it been since you’ve felt another man’s weight up against you?  And who better than the man you’ve been living with for the past 4 years?  Can’t you imagine how good it’s gonna feel to have his warm, wet body sliding against yours?!?**

**_Is that all he is to you?  Just some generic, run of the mill man you want to use to scratch your itch?  Doesn’t he deserve better than that?_ **

**Alright, that’s an extremely fair point.**  He deserves so much more than anything you would be able to give him.  And he’s not some piece of meat.  This is Steve.  **STEVE**.  He deserves the whole world.

And just as you thought you were going to be able to turn finally away, your gaze found his perky, firm ass.  Ugh, you could already picture the way it would clench and flex as he would thrust…

You hadn’t realized your hand was moving until you felt a jolt shot through your core as it made contact with one of your breasts, cupping and squeezing firmly.  Your other hand quickly found its own way to the top of your bikini bottoms, teasing slow, soft strokes along the exposed skin before finally dipping below the damp material, brushing against your mound.  Your hand tightened its hold on your breast as your other sank even lower, circling the hot bundle of nerves between your folds.

A moan was fighting its way out of your throat, but you struggled to keep it in. This was so wrong. You shouldn’t be touching yourself as you watched Steve shower. This was the exact definition of a pervert.

But, it felt too good to stop. It had been far too long since you’d allowed yourself any physical pleasure, almost forgetting the way your body would come alive under some proper stimulation.

But your body hadn’t forgotten anything. It remember exactly what to do. Your fingers remembered exactly how much pressure to apply to your aching clit as it rubbed quick circles around the small nub. They remembered how hard to pinch your nipple before it would skim down your bare stomach. They remembered how to sink between your already damp lips and thrust up inside of you. Your cunt remembered how to clench, and your body how to shake as you found that sweet spot deep inside.

Most importantly, your legs remembered how to keep yourself from crumpling to the floor as you came fast and hard around your fingers.

Your breaths were nearly ripping themselves out of your chest by the time you had started to come down.  You hadn’t realized that your eyes closed until you were having to force them open again.  Taking gentle care and ease, you pulled your fingers out of your bottoms and righted your skewed attire.  

Blinking heavily, you looked up, expecting to see Steve right where you’d last seen him, only to panic when he wasn’t under the shower anymore.  Looking around the back porch, you were able to breathe a little easier, seeing that he was only a few feet away, towel wrapped around his waist, as he laid his trunks over the railing to dry.

Just then, he turned around and strode towards the back door, locking eyes with you and smiling wide as he slid the door open and stepped inside.  His smile faltered as he continues looking at you, brow furrowing as his jovial attitude morphed into concern.

“You feelin’ ok?” He asked as he made his way closer to where you stood. “You’re looking a little flushed. Did you get burnt?  Told you to use the other sunscreen...” 

“M’ fine,” you mumbled as you forced yourself to look away and walked quickly towards the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water and gulping down half of it before turning back around.

“You sure?” He continued, following after you, gently pressing the back of his hand to your cheek and then forehead. “I dunno, you feel a bit warm…”

“I said I’m fine, Steven,” you grumbled, slapping his hand away from your face.

“J-Bird asleep?” Steve asked, unfazed at your reaction. He reached around you and into the fridge to grab his own bottle of water.

“Mm, yeah. Hopefully we wore her out enough to sleep through the rest of the night.”

Steve nodded as he took another drink, then brought the back of his hand up to wipe a dribble of water from his lips. Oh those beautiful, plump, pouty lips...

**Stop it!**  

“Wanna order some take out?  Maybe open one of these bottles of wine?  We’ve not had any quality ‘adult’ time since we got here,” Steve suggested with a hopeful smile. You were just about to refuse, but as you continued to stare at those sweet baby blues, you couldn’t make yourself do it.

“Mm, yeah, that sounds great,” you nodded too enthusiastically as you kept imagining his lips pressed along the line of your throat, skimming down your shoulder, to the middle of your back as he took you from behind…

“What do you feel like?” He asked, pulling you violently out of your daydream, again.

**You’re absolutely ridiculous.**

“W-whatever you’re in the mood for. I, uh, I think I’m gonna grab a quick shower. You know what I like. I trust you,” you said quickly as you rushed out of the room.  As you glanced quickly back over your shoulder, you spend just a second too long staring at Steve’s long neck and tight chest as he took another drink from his water bottle, but it was long enough to have you slamming into the wall because you’d been too distracted to watch where you were going.

Steve’s head whipped to look in your direction, but you were already disappearing around the corner and running down the hall. You ran straight to the bathroom, slammed the door shut, and fell back against the cool wood, letting out a heavy sigh.

Earlier, when you’d been mentally planning out the events of this evening, you had planned on a nice, warm, uninterrupted bubble bath. Maybe you’d have read a book. Maybe you’d have browsed social media on your phone. Or maybe you’d have indulged in a little self-love.  Earlier, your options had been seemingly endless. But now, with the turn of events and with the way your body was still humming with want, maybe it was best to opt for a cold shower.

Couple hours later, you were curled up on the couch with an oversized glass of wine, laughing at something funny that just happened on the tv. Steve was next to you, a respectable amount of space between your bodies, sipping from his own glass. Just as something else made you laugh, you heard Steve strangle, trying not to choke on the mouthful of wine he’d just poured between his lips. You watched with amusement as he struggled to swallow it down instead of letting it spew all over his lap.

It took several more seconds, but finally, he managed to get it down, coughing and spluttering as he bent forward violently, placing his glass down on the coffee table.

“You ok there, bud?”  You asked, catching your own breath as your laughter calmed, patting him on the back.

He nodded sharply, still coughing, and head bowed between his knees.

“Hang on, I’ll get you some water,” you offered as you were already pushing yourself up, but stopped immediately when Steve’s hand landed on your thigh, pushing you gently back down on the couch.

It felt almost like being struck by lightning.  The heavy weight of his hand on your thigh sent shockwaves rippling beneath your skin. It wasn’t easy, but as you forced your lungs to suck in deep, slow breaths, you were able to somewhat calm your racing heart the fuck down.

“... _*cough, cough*_...m’ f-fine…don’t… _*cough*_...don’t w-worry ‘bout it…” he chokes out in a raspy voice.

But you can’t focus. You can’t hear his words anymore. In the forefront of your mind, all your concentration is focused on his large hand STILL firmly and comfortably lying on your thigh, the grip tightening slightly with every heave and jerk of his body.

**How many of those long, slender fingers would he need to use to bring you to a mind-shattering climax?  Maybe two?**  Probably just one with how desperate and wound up you’re feeling right now. He could probably just look at you the right way and you’d fall apart where you sat.

Gods, how deliciously exquisite would it feel to have those fingers pressing just right inside of you, grazing that soft spot that always had fireworks exploding behind your eyes. Ungh, and if he would just flatten that palm out and let it press firm against your clit…

“YN, you ok?” Steve asked, pulling you out of yet another inappropriate daydream. You hadn’t even noticed that he’s been able to pull himself together as he started at you with concern.

“Sorry, what?” You asked, eyes widening as you shot them up to his face while simultaneously taking a long drink from your wine glass.  

“I asked if you were feeling ok,” he asked once more, his hand still on your thigh, his thumb gently rubbing circles against the soft skin. “You look pretty flushed...are you feeling warm again?”

He moved his hand from your leg and up to your face, gently cupping your cheek. Unconsciously, you leaned ever so slightly into his hand and let out the tiniest moan, letting your eyes flutter closed.

It had been far too long since you’ve been carcassed like this. It’s been, well, more than 4 years since a man has touched you like this. I mean, besides the gentle touches and embraces Steve usually gave you in passing. But this, oh wow, this felt so different. Deliberate. Intimate.

It took your brain an extra few seconds to catch up...to realize you had moaned out loud...and to notice that Steve had frozen beside of you.

Your eyes snapped open, immediately locking on his. His brilliant blue eyes were wide and unblinking as they stared into yours.

**Well, there goes the hope that he hadn’t heard you moan.**

**What the fuck was wrong with you today?  Why were you having such a hard time keeping focus?!? This is Steve!  For fucks same, it’s just Steve. Your caring, sensitive, reliable, loyal Steve. Your genuine, smart, funny, always breathtaking Steve. Your beautiful, hot, sexy, smoldering Steve.**

**Hot damn, you were in trouble. Backpedal. Just backpedal. Maybe it wasn’t too late to come out of this entirely.**

“I-I’m so sorry!  I don’t know…” you gasped, trying your best to form some sort of apology but nothing was coming to you.

You’d barely realized that he still hadn’t moved his hand from your cheek.

“No, no, it’s...you’re fine...I...uh,” Steve tried to assure you, flush coloring his cheeks, and you’d have believed him to feel bashful or embarrassed if it weren’t for the fact that he was still staring intently at you.

You’re not really sure what happened next, or who made the first move, but next thing you know, you’re lips are on Steve’s.

**Holy shit!  You’re kissing Steve! Again! You’re kissing your best friend!  Again!**  But it feels different this time.

It’s everything you had remembered from the brief kiss you shared two years ago, but also, it’s so much more. It’s everything you had imagined.

He started slow, almost timid...as if he were waiting for permission to let the kiss progress any farther.

So, you give it to him. You push yourself out of your seat and up into Steve’s arms which wrap around your waist, pulling you tight against his body. The two of you fall back until he’s laying on the couch, your torso covering his, legs tangled with his.

He’s getting more confident as you take the lead, your own actions so bold that you can hardly recognize yourself. His lips are parting as he slips the tip of his tongue out to tease against your bottom lip. Another moan spills from your mouth as you gasp for breath. Your hands wander all over, weaving through his messy hair, scratching at the thick beard on his face, fisting the soft cotton material of his shirt, and then fumbling to push inside the waistband of his sweatpants.

Suddenly, his hand is wrapped around your wrists, stopping your progressing, firm, but not pushing you away.

“Wait wait wait…” he gasps breathlessly against your lips. “Just...wait...a minute.”

He closes his eyes, seeming to gather his senses for a second, and then his focused gaze bores into you.

Guilt. Humiliation. Rejection. It all crashes over you instanously. **Of course he didn’t want this. Of course he didn’t want you. How could you be so stupid...**

“Oh no,” you moaned as you tried to push up and pull away from him. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking, I shouldn’t have…”

You tried pulling your hand out of his pants but he didn’t let you move.

“No, no, wait, it’s not that...you’re not...just...wait just a second,” Steve’s huffing now, not breaking eye contact no matter how desperately you are trying to pull away from him now. “Wait. I…” He pauses, eyes shifting between yours, faces so close you can feel his warm breath wash over yours. “I just...let me catch my breath.”

You quirk an eyebrow, but before you have the chance to say anything, his lips are pressed to yours again, kissing you hard and rough, and he releases his hold on your wrist, letting you continue your previous journey.

The groan you’re able to pull from him has to be one of the most beautiful sounds you’ve ever heard. Your fingers skim along his impossibly hard, impressively thick cock, noting somewhere in the back of your mind that Steve Rogers isn’t wearing any underwear.

“Fuck,” he moans into your mouth before sliding his tongue against yours, stealing your breath.

His hands are tight on your waist, flexing against your skin as if he were fighting not to let them wonder. Your fingers tease along the soft skin of his hard shaft, sliding down, and gently cupping his balls in your palm. His hips buck up against yours as you give them a gentle squeeze.

“Fucking shit,” Steve growls as he pulls his mouth away and presses his forehead against yours. His chest is heaving harshly.

Damn, you’d forgotten how good it felt to touch another man. You’d forgotten how powerful and arousing it felt to make someone fall apart like this. The effect was undeniable, making you feel heady with desire and need.

Without conscious thought, you’d started grinding your hips against him, shifting just enough so your clothed mound was able to grind against his thigh juuuuuust riiiiiight. Your fingers wrapped around his shaft and you gave him an experimental tug, causing Steve to arch his back violently and nearly throw the both of you off the couch with a painful sounding groan.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum in my fucking pants. Christ, I can’t, Ungh, I can’t, I can’t stop...please, please, please...don’t stop…” Steve begs, his hands on your hips, pressing you and guiding you harder and further along his thigh.

And you don’t. You couldn’t stop now even if you had wanted to. You watch as he completely loses himself to the sensation of you jerking him off.  His head is thrown back, his back elegantly arched up off the couch, hands squeezing a bruising grip on your hips.

But you also don’t want him to cum like this.  You need to have him inside of you.  You need to...yes, you need to taste him.

Yeah, that’s it, you need him in your mouth.

Before you can talk yourself out of it, you release your grip on him, letting his throbbing girth flop back against his lower abdomen.  When you pushed up and off of him, he didn’t hesitate to release his hands from your waist, but there was definitely a brief look of hurt taking over his previously blissed out features.

Luckily, only a second later, he’s realized your intentions as you drop to your knees in front of him.  Your hands are pulling his legs on the floor on either side of you, letting you settle between his parted thighs.

He looked hesitant as your hands tugged at his sweats, pulling them down, but he still lifted his hips up so you’d be able to push them down past his knees, off his legs, and toss them somewhere behind your back.

Sneaking a quick glance through heavy lashes, you can see that he’s already just barely hanging on to the last ounce of self-control he possesses.  His eyes are wild, his hair is soft and disheveled as a few of the long locks fall in his face.  He’s got his bottom lip caught between his teeth, biting so hard that you were certain he’s going to draw blood.

Keeping that image in your head, you let your eyes fall to the throbbing length in front of you.  Slowly, you slide your palm up along his thigh as the other wraps tentatively around the base of his shiny, purple cock.  Now that it was bobbing here in front of your face, you could appreciate how intimidating and proud it truly was.  Pumping him a couple times, drawing a hiss through his gritted teeth, you finally bring your lips down to meet the bulbous head.

You started by pressing feather-light kisses around head.  It felt so silky smooth against your lips, and you relished in the way it throbbed deliciously when you started swiping the gentlest kitten licks to the puckered skin just below the slit.

His hips bucked up again and he let his head fall back, hands weaving and fisting through your hair. His hold was firm, yet not quite painful.

With a deep breath, you swallow your nerves and pull the head into your mouth, sucking gently. A string of whispered curses start flying as you pull back a bit, and then move further down the shaft. And so starts your rhythm, taking a little bit more of him with each stroke, until you finally meet your fist that’s wrapped firmly around his base.

Christ, it’s gonna be impossible to take anymore of him. While Bucky may have been thicker, presenting his own challenges when you’d take him in your mouth, Steve definitely had him on length. Not that Steve wasn’t thick. Because, by the gods, he was still impressive. But at least with Steve, you didn’t feel like you were going to have to dislocate your jaw to give a proper blowjob.

The tip of his dick was gently probing the back of your throat even with your fist still firm around his base, you were fighting to keep your gag reflex under control. A dribble of saliva slipped from your lips with another bob of your head, pooling just above your fingers.

“Fuck...fuck...fuck, you gotta stop...or I’m...fuck, I’m...gonna cum…” he grunts as he gently tries to pull your head away, but you only quicken your pace, bringing the tip of his cock to the back of your throat with every pass. You grip his base harder, twisting your hand slightly with every thrust.  Your other hand slides from his thigh and takes his balls into your hands, cupping gently.

“Nnnghghg...fuuuuck…shit shit shit shit” he grunts again as his hips thrust forward and his hands tighten their hold in your hair. His hips lift off the cushions, every muscle in the lower half of his body clenches, and you hold yourself still, only trying to keep sucking as you hollow your cheeks.  You feel his balls draw up and his cock pulsing, throbbing, as waves of his cum spill into your mouth.  You try to swallow it down as quickly as it comes as well as not losing your breath in the process.

When his hips fall back into the couch, his body relaxing back into the cushions, you finally release from your mouth with a wet pop.  It takes a couple more seconds for his senses to return, and then he’s pulling you into his lap.  Your knees fall to either side of his hips and he holds you as he continues to pant.  His lips find yours and the kiss is slow, gentle, but passionate nonetheless.

“Holy shit,” he gasps into your lips, only pulling back again to catch his breath. “I don’t remember the last time I came that hard.”

You chuckle, feeling just a tad embarrassed as you dip your head to the side and bury your face in his neck.  His hands are on your waist before they slide up your sides, around your back, one of them sliding up your spine and up your neck until his fingers are tangling in your hair.  With a gentle tug, he’s urging you to look at him again.

He’s quiet, thoughtful, as his blue eyes burn into yours.  He looks to be studying you.  You aren’t sure what he’s looking for, but he must have found it, because he then pulls you back into him.  He’s pushing up off the couch and when you drop your legs so you can stand, he brings an arm under your ass, pulling you back up and urging you to wrap them around his waist.  He doesn’t say anything as he walks back to his bedroom, closing the door with a gentle kick behind him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We pick up pretty close to where we left off. A heavy conversation is had and you make a very important decision after some serious conflictions. SMUT, multiple orgasms (because I feel like every woman deserves them), some angst, conflicted feelings, some fluff.

You can’t remember when you fell asleep. You can’t remember sleeping at all. What you do remember is bits of peacefulness and warmth between several bouts of amazing sex with Steve.

The sun is just starting to rise over the crashing ocean waves when you finally pry your eyes open. At first, you aren’t sure what woke you up…maybe it was the feverish flush burning just beneath your skin…maybe it’s the soreness you feel throughout most of your body…or maybe it’s the persistent pressure you feel between your legs.

It’s not until you feel a heaviness shifting between your thighs and an explosion of bliss deep in your gut as a powerful orgasm is ripped mercilessly from you that you realize what pulled you from your sleep.

“Oh God..oh Steve…fuck…fuck…you gotta stop…” you moan, hands in his hair, and pulling him away from your over sensitive sex. But he holds tight to you, continuing to fuck you with his fingers and sucking your clit between his lips. Your thighs tremble on each side of his head as you are forced towards another climax too soon.

“Oh God, oh god oh god oh god oh-FUCK-“ you groan and grunt as you’re thrown over the edge again and nearly black out as euphoria washes over you.

When your senses return, Steve is hovering over top of you, settled gently between your hips, as he ruts slightly against your spread thighs. He’s lavishing soft kisses along your shoulder, up the line of your throat, and around your jaw until he’s nose to nose with you.

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist. You taste so good, I couldn’t wait for you to wake up…”

You are about to reassure him that you didn’t mind waking up like that, but then he’s kissing your lips. The taste of you is still strong as your slick has dampened the whiskers around his beard, but you don’t mind. Actually, it seems kind of familiar. It’s not a recent memory…something similar happening with Bucky is trying to slither it’s way up from the dark recess of your mind, but then Steve is pressing his hard hot length inside of you, burning all other threads of consciousness to smoldering ash. Need grows all-consuming in your gut and all you can think is more, more, more!

Angling your hips just a fraction let’s steve sink just that much more inside of you, letting him hit all the right spots with every easy thrust. Your lips part so you can swallow his moans as soon as they are released.

He’s quick to pick up the pace, eagerly snapping his hips into you as he barrels towards his own finish. Over and over, he’s slamming into you, pounding that sweet spot, sending wave after wave of heat through your belly. His lips fall to your neck, his beard scratching along the sensitive skin, teeth nipping at the tender flesh before latching onto your pulse point.

The breath is stolen from your lungs as you are hit by yet another powerful orgasm, more intense that the other two just minutes before.

“Fuck-fuck-shit-baby girl…god you’re…fucking beautiful, you know that?” Steve grunts between thrusts as he keeps powering into you. “So damn tight…and warm…fuck, I’m gonna lose my mind. You squeeze-ahh-I can feel it…the way you flutter and…ugh…clamp down on my cock as you come. Mmm, baby girl, yes, yes, yes!”

All sense of rhythm is lost as he slams his hips into yours. The only thing you can do is hold on for dear life, hands grasping at his shoulders, his back, his hair, as the last waves of your orgasm are still washing over you. He’s so close. You can feel it. You need it. You need to feel him coming and you need it soon like you need air to breath and if you don’t have it you’re just gonna…

“Ahhh!” You cry out together as you finally feel Steve clench and tighten as he finally finishes inside of you. His body falls heavily on top of you. But you don’t care. You need to feel this. His weight is comforting, grounding, as you reel from the most exquisite sexual experience of your entire life.

You don’t say anything; can’t say anything. It’s still too daunting of a task to even catch your breath. Fuck trying to form words.

So you hold him close. One hand rubbing the sweat-slick skin along the back of his ribs, and your other is scratching his scalp softly, fingers tangling in his hair.

Shattering the comforting silence is an alarm, blaring from Steve’s phone where it rests on the nightstand. You startle, grateful you didn’t just pee yourself with the shock you just endured. Steve only chuckles as he attempts to roll off you, hissing as his barely softened cock slips from your swollen sex.

“I don’t understand why you set an alarm while we’re on vacation,” you grumble as he sits up and silences the noise with a chuckle. “Couldn’t you take a break from your morning workout for just this week?”

You attempt to roll on your side and pull the blankets up over your head, but Steve is quick to roll in behind you, pulling you back against his chest as his long, muscular arms wrap around your middle. His body is warm and inviting as you snuggle back into him, wiggling your ass against his pelvis in your attempt to press every inch of yourself into him.

“You kiddin’ me?  J-Bird is a lot to keep up with. If I don’t keep up with my training, I’ll never be able to hold my own against her,” he argued, smirking against the back of your neck. “Buuuut, I think I can be convinced to skip it this morning…”

“You can’t be serious?!?” You nearly yelped. “I can’t…but you…god, Steve, I just came THREE TIMES!!!  I can’t possibly…”

“I was just teasing, calm down,” Steve assured you as he cuddles you back in close. “I was planning on skipping anyways. Fuckin’ exhausted after last night…”

You smiled at the memories as you felt him place tender kisses to your shoulder. You bask in the warmth, the comfort, the peacefulness of being here with Steve. With his arms around your waist, holding you so close, bathing in the afterglow of good sex; you’re sure this must be what heaven feel like. It was the same way you’d feel when you’d been with Bucky.

Do you know that feeling, when you’re in a car, just riding along; maybe you’re watching the scenery out the window. The cars going super-fast, but you can’t feel it…you’re just taking in the trees and the animals and all the beautiful wildlife that pass by around you.  Then suddenly someone is slamming on the brakes and you’re pulled out of your peaceful, beautiful reverie. You’re thrown around, disoriented, the breath forced from your chest, and you can’t remember anything but the fear, the ache, the grim realization that you just about died because you were too distracted.

That’s kinda like what this felt like. But you were the one driving the car and you’ve flipped it several times down into a ravine where it promptly caught on fire.

**What the fuck are you doing?  What do you think this is?   You’ve just slept with your best friend!  You just had some of He most amazing sex of your life with your baby daddy’s oldest friend!!!  How would that make Bucky feel???**

**And for what?**   Was this just a quick fuck?  Was he a means to satisfy an end? Didn’t we just go through all this last night?!?

**And what’s supposed to happen now?**   

“I can feel you thinking.  What’s going on?” He asked, his voice muffled as he nuzzled further into your hair.

You could only manage to shrug your shoulders, unable to find the courage to begin the conversation you needed to have.  But he must have felt the way your body tensed because in a flash, he has you turned around, facing him, still wrapped in his arms.

You can’t bring yourself to meet his eyes yet. It’s almost like you feel too exposed, even though you’re naked body is still pressed against his, his cum still warm and sticky inside of you. But you can’t. So you tuck your head under his chin and keep your eyes screwed tight.

“Is it last night?  Do you…are you regretting it?” He prods softly, rubbing his hand over your back on top of the sheet still wrapped your body.

“No, I don’t regret it,” you whisper, and you felt his body relax a fraction at your admission.  “It’s only that…Steve…I dunno…what is this now? Where do we go from here?  And then…Bucky…I feel so…I don’t even know how to explain it…”

He sighs. “You don’t have to. I get it. I feel it too. The guilt, I guess, but that’s not just it. It’s like…betrayal. I just had mind-blowing sex with the love of his life. It’s a whole new level of fucked-up,” he confessed with a dark chuckle.

You couldn’t help but laugh just a little, wiping your nose after you’d just realized you had started to cry.

“It definitely doesn’t help that I’ve been in love with you for nearly as long…” he added in a whisper.

“What?!?” You whisper-shouted as you pulled back to look him in the eye.

Steve actually looked shocked at his own admission, like he hadn’t meant to say the words aloud.

“I…well, yeah I guess there’s no point denying it now. I’ve loved you…probably for as long as I’ve known you.”

“I-no, you can’t…but we…”

**Is this real life?!?!?**   So it was you that he was referring to after Jamie’s first birthday?!?

“It’s not like I’ve been pining away, sitting in a dark room, blubbering and crying myself to sleep,” he admitted with a brief chuckle. “To know you is to love you, YN. You have to know how amazing and…beautiful…you are. You’re funny and witty and so damn smart.  I fell hard the first time I saw you.

“But…then you started dating Bucky.  And that was great!  You were happy and he was so ridiculously happy, and things just kinda…shifted.

“I still loved you, but, I don’t know, it was different. I was still pursued other relationships. But I could never commit to any of them because…I guess I already felt like I was committed to you. It’s shitty, and I hate being ‘that guy’ but, fuck, YN, how was anyone else supposed to measure up to you?  There was no contest.

“But none of that matters. I had you in my life. I had Bucky. And I was happy. Genuinely and utterly happy. Could have lived the rest of my life playing third wheel with you two and never have a single regret.

“I never wanted to tell you, even after Bucky died. I never wanted to put you in a position where you’d have to tell me you didn’t feel the same way. I couldn’t push how I felt on you like that. Especially since you’ve been trying to shoulder all the grief and pain of losing your other half, all by yourself. You had enough to worry about as it was.”

You didn’t have words. There were no words. Why couldn’t you think of a single word to say…any kind of response….

You had nothing. So, you let the silence stretch as the tears streamed steadily down your face. And curled further into Steve’s warmth.

Fucking shit, are you ever going to stop crying?

**Probably fucking not!**   You’d just handed a whole new playbook after having just memorized the old one.

“This doesn’t have to change anything, you know,” he assured you after a few quiet moments. “We can pretend this never happened if you’d be more comfortable that way. If this was only one night for you, I won’t ask you for anything else.  I’m lucky to have you in my life in any capacity you want.

“But I’m glad you know. I love you and I love Jamie and I love this life we’re living together right now. I hate the circumstances around it and I miss my best friend, but it doesn’t take away my feelings for you.”

You sniffled, and attempted to pull yourself together as you brought your fingers up to trace lazy designs against Steve’s chest.

“I dunno what I want. I’m sorry, I know that can’t be what you wanted to hear. But I don’t like the idea of this being only one night. I..I like you Steve-I love you. But it’s just that…I can’t…” You released a shaky breath. “I don’t wanna do something that would make me lose you either.”

“You’ll never lose me, YN. I promise. You’re stuck with me for as long as you want me.”

“But what if I am never able to completely let go of Buck? I feel like he’s still here, still with me, all the time. He’s always in the back of my mind and every day it still hurts to remember that he’s never coming back. And you don’t deserve that. You deserve someone that’s going to be able to give you their heart, 100%. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give you that.”

“I’ll always be grateful for whatever pieces of you that you want to share with me. Always.”

“You can’t possibly know that.  What happens, ten years from now, and I’m still…still stuck, hanging on to a piece of the past that I’ll never be able to get over. You’ll resent me, and you’ll leave…”

He presses a kiss to the top of your head.  “I could never. I could never leave you. But you should take some time. Think about it. There’s no rush. I’ll always be here and ready for whatever you want.”

Before you could properly wrap your head around these new developments, you both heard little feet scurrying down the hallway.

Jamie was awake and it sounded like she was heading for the living room, most likely to watch cartoons until you or Steve woke to fix breakfast, just like she had ever since you arrived here.  

“Sounds like it’s time to start the day,” he said, placing another kiss to your head, and then rolled out of bed.

* * *

You took your time getting out of bed once Steve left to start the day with Jamie. You stretched each muscle carefully and thoroughly before climbing out of bed and making your way to the bathroom.

You knew you needed to be thinking about what Steve had admitted and what he was initially asking you for. And what better time for introspection than in the solitude and comfort of a nice, long, hot shower? It didn’t help though, that every time you brought up that moment, of him telling you that he’s always loved you, that a throbbing migraine would start building behind your eyelids.

But it’s a good thing, right? Isn’t this what you want? A future with Steve?

Well, yeah, of course, but doesn’t it matter that he wasn’t my first choice? That Bucky had been who you’d chosen? Doesn’t Steve deserve something that had chosen him first?

Oh gods, what a mess this was.

When the water started running cold, you reluctantly got out and forced your sore yet satisfied body to get dressed and join Steve and Jamie in the kitchen. When you turned the corner, you saw the two sitting quietly on the couch, watching cartoon. She was tucked into his side, his arm over the back of the couch, and both of hers wrapped around the stuffed lamb that Steve had gotten for her right after she was born. She loved that little lamb and carried it everywhere.

Your chest constricted at the sight, warming you to your bones. They were both completely consumed with their show and you doubted that they were aware of your presence yet. But you’d forgotten to silence your phone, and the shutter of the camera as you snapped a picture had finally caught Steve’s attention. He gave you a smile and pointed half-heartedly towards the kitchen before immersing himself back into their show.

On the counter, waiting for you, was all the fixings for a hearty, not-so-healthy, breakfast. Ugh, why did Steve always have to make the most delicious, yet fattening foods on the planet? He knew you wouldn’t be able to resist gorging yourself past the point of overeating. But you knew that was precisely why he had to make it…because you loved it so much…and he always did whatever he thought would make you happiest.

**Wasn’t this what you wanted?**  Weren’t you already living the American Dream? You had a beautiful, healthy, vivacious daughter, a nice home, financial security, and the love of a man that you absolutely adored. It may not have been who you’d initially thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, but he was the best man you known, and you knew he’d be there for you forever.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to at least try. What would it really hurt to take Steve at his word? Why couldn’t you just give it a shot?

Resolution burned deep in your bones as you strode confidently towards the couch. You kissed the top of Jamie’s head, earning a peal of giggles, and then a grumble as you’d distracted her from the tv. Steve looked up at you with a soft smile, and before you could overthink this again, you pressed a kiss to his lips.

It was chaste and quick, but it was enough to convey what you were wanting to. That you wanted to give the two of you a chance. That you wanted him like he wanted you. It may end in a huge ball of flames, but for Steve, you were willing to take that risk.

He beamed as you pulled away, leaving him with a squeeze of his shoulder, and sat at the kitchen table, digging into your breakfast and the fresh coffee Steve had made for you, just the way you liked it.

When you finished, you joined the three on the couch, pulling Jamie into your lap and pressing your side into his. He wrapped his arm around your back and pressed a kiss to the side of your head.

“So, what’s the plan for today?” You asked the two as the credits rolled at the end of their show.

“Can we build more sandcastles, momma?” Jamie asked as she bounced excitedly in your lap, looking up at you with a beaming smile.

“Of course, Love. Anything else you wanna d?The sky’s the limit!” You answered just as excitedly.

“What if I went into town and got us a couple kites?  Would you wanna fly some kites today?” Steve asked.

Jamie squealed and then threw herself straight into Steve’s chest. He harrumphed as the breath was knocked out of him, but wrapped his arms around her and laughed.

“We could all go out. Maybe look for some cool souvenirs to take back home with us?  Will that be alright?” You suggested, standing from the couch and stretching your arms above your head.

“Yay! Yay! Yay!” Jamie cheered as she jumped on the sofa cushion you’d just vacated.

Goodness, you were in some serious trouble. The little girl already had an affinity to shop. You couldn’t imagine how much worse and how much more expensive this trait of hers would end up costing you as she got older.

“Let’s go get dressed then,” Steve said as he stood up next to you. “Well leave as soon as you’re ready, J-Bird.”

She flew from the living room, and as soon as you made to follow after her, Steve’s hand was around your elbow, pulling you back and turning you as he pulled you into his chest. One hand went to your waist and the other was on your neck. He lowered his face and pressed the most tender, heart-stopping kiss to your lips.

He pulled away before you were ready, and walked away, back to his room, you assumed to get dressed.

* * *

 The rest of your days on the beach were a happy blur of laughter and sun and excitement, while the nights were filled with passionate love-making with Steve. He had spent long hours every night studying every curve, every freckle, finding every single spot that would make you see stars. The man was thorough.

All too soon, the vacation was over and the three of you were heading back home. But you didn’t dread leaving like you thought you would. Careful excitement had brightened your mood, thinking about how everything would be different now.

Well, not really different. The routine would be the same. The responsibilities and the chores would still be the same. The only difference now would be that, you, hopefully, wouldn’t feel so alone anymore.

You hadn’t realized before how much you had closed yourself off. You’d been guarded and careful and quiet as you pushed through the days, focusing only on your daughter. You’d lost contact with almost every single one of your friends. You stopped doing all the things that used to make you happy. It had felt almost as if all the color had been sucked out of your life, the only brights spo had been your little Jamie.

Now, though, now you could see everything in high definition. And you couldn’t help but think that Steve gave that to you. It was a puzzle piece that you never thought you’d find ever again.

You were happy, truly happy, for the first time in a very long time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a whole lot of smut. Jamie’s first day of school comes with a little bit on anxiety. Then there’s sweet, fluffy Steve taking care of Reader as she gets sick. Then, more smut.

Summer soon faded, the carefree routine that the three of you had adopted started to shift as you all prepared for Jamie’s first day of school. You, Steve, and Jamie were outside, waiting for the afternoon bus to pick her up; some of you more anxious than others.

“I don’t think she’s ready. Nope. Do you think she’s ready? I don’t think she’s ready. I mean, she’s only 4! How can they expect these kids to be away from home for that long? They’re only babies?!?” Steve fretted as he paced back and forth in the grass while you and Jamie sat on the steps, watching him, trying your best to hide your amused smile.

“Babe, calm down. She’s only gonna be gone for 3 hours. She’s gonna be just fine,” you tried to assure him, keeping Jamie tight against your side as she looked up at Steve with an unamused glare. “We’ve met all the teachers, we’ve seen the classroom, we even know which cubby she’s gonna put her stuff in, and the chair she’s going to be sitting in. Everything is going to be fine; great even. Have a little bit of faith.”

“How can you say that?!? How can you sit there and tell me that everything is going to be alright?!?” He stopped his pacing to turn towards you in a huff, his hands fisted on his hips, and a scowl on his face.

You tried and failed to suppress the giggle bubbling up in your chest, which earned you an extra serious scowl from Steve before he rolled his eyes, exasperated.

Jamie, seeming to have had enough, jumped from her seat and marched her little legs over in front of Steve. She quirked her little finger at him, demanding he kneel down to her level. When he complied, she placed both her little hands on his face and pulled him close.

“Calm down!” she demanded sternly, her pouty lips frowning at him. “Don’t ruin this for me. I’m 4 now. I can handle this. You gotta let me go.”

You laughed out loud, like, a full-belly laugh, as she pursed his cheeks together with her hands, giving him the fiercest face she could manage with her adorable features. And to his credit, Steve couldn’t seem to find any humor in her words, only looking back at her with a frown, looking like a kicked puppy. Your heart ached for how hard he was taking this, but it was so hard not to laugh at the spectacle in front of you.

Jamie pulled him down for a hug, and Steve wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her up as he stood, hugging her tightly against his chest. Not a second later, you could see the bus coming down the dirt road leading to the house.

“Alright my loves, it’s time to go,” you said softly, not really wanting to ruin the tender moment, but time was of the essence as the bus grew closer and closer.

“Okay, okay,” Steve grumbled as he carried her all the way down to the end of the driveway, you walking beside of them. “Be good,” he added as he knelt down on one knee, placing Jamie on her feet, his hands moving to her shoulder. “Make good choices. And be nice to everyone. And be sure to share. And listen to your teachers.”

“Let her go, Steve. It’s time,” you urged as you knelt down beside them to pull Jamie into your arms for a quick hug and kiss. You held her hand and walked her the rest of the way to the bus, not letting go until she was standing on the first step inside the bus.

Jamie bounced excitedly up the steps and froze for the briefest second as she reached the top. You thought that maybe her nerves were starting to set in, but just then, a little boy with bright red hair stood up from his seat a few rows back, raising his hand, waving, and invited her to sit with him. She ran to him, quickly taking the seat beside him, and gave him that signature Barnes Megawatt smile that made her eyes crinkle. She couldn’t be bothered to spare another glance in your direction as she spoke enthusiastically with her new friend.

You stood next to Steve, weaving your arm around his waist as he watched the bus drive away until it completely disappeared from view.

“How are you ok with this right now?” He asked you, not harshly, as he looked pleadingly at you, his eyes starting to shine. “How are you not losing your mind? Because, I gotta be honest, I’m barely keeping it together.”

You hummed in understanding as you pulled him back down the driveway, his arm draped heavily on your shoulders, following you reluctantly.

“Because, I’ve already got a few ideas of how we should spend the next few hours since we’ve got this big ole house all to ourselves…” you whisper suggestively, pulling away as he stands frozen at the bottom of the porch steps. You climb them slowly, and once at the top, you turn to face him, backing away slowly still. Your fingers are playing the the top button of your sleeveless blouse, popping it free if it’s hole, and falling delicately to the next, doing he same until your back is against the door and the lacy cups of your bra peeking out.

Steve is still standing there, slack-jawed and starry-eyes as you open the door and disappear inside.

“You coming?” You call out as you let the shirt slip off your shoulders, letting it pool on the floors as you continue on to his bedroom. You’re down to only your bra and panties, halfway down the hall when Steve comes barreling towards you, shoulders tense and pupils blown so wide his eyes look almost all black.

His hands are everywhere; pressing and pulling, grasping and clenching and flexing into your soft skin. His clothes erection is grinding between your legs as he pulls you up and wraps them around his waist. He stumbles into the wall, pressing you hard against it as his teeth clash against yours, his tongue invading your mouth; lips swollen already and gasping for breath.

You push your elbow against the wall, forcing him backward and renewing his path to the bed. It seems to take an eternity for him to finally drop you to his mattress, his body falling on top of yours, never letting you away from him. One arm supports his weight while the other goes to your cheek, cupping your jaw as he kisses you.

Somehow, you find the strength to push on his shoulder, urging him to roll onto his back, but he complies and you now find yourself on top of him. His hands are on your face, cupping your jaw, never relenting the kiss. You sigh wantonly into his mouth as you roll your hips against his, letting your heat brush against his bulging cock, trapped in the confines of his jeans.

Your hands go to his chest as you push yourself to sit up, his hands going to your hips, helping you move against him.

“How long has it been since we’ve been alone in this house?” You purr, looking down at him with a mischievous glint.

“N-never…” He stammered, swallowing hard, and throwing his head back as you pressed particularly against the straining tip of his erection.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for a moment like this. I wanna make you scream…”

Steve cuts you off with a feral growl, his chest vibrating under your fingers. Before you know it, he’s flying forward, sitting up, pulling you into his chest as his arms wrap around your back.

He’s kissing you desperately as he moves you again. Your back is against the mattress once more. His hands are rough and frenzied as they explore all your bared skin.

But it’s not enough. He needs more. He needs so much more. So, he’s ripping at the material that still separates you from him. His shirt is flying across the room, and you struggle with the clasp of your bra. He rolls around, kicking off his pants as you free yourself of your panties.

Finally, FINALLY, you both are naked and he’s pressing his body against yours, stretching out on top of you. It’s as if he needs to be touching as much of you as possible. And you can’t find it in yourself to complain. On the contrary, you need to feel him just as desperately as he does.

When kisses are no longer enough, you spread your thighs, wrapping them around his waist, and you can feel the top of his cock gently prodding against your folds. With a gentle shift of his hips, he’s pressing into you, finding little resistance as it slides all the way inside.

Your fingers tangle in his hair as he sheathes himself completely, holding still for the briefest second before he starts a gentle rhythm of rolling, quick, shallow thrusts. His pubic bone is sliding against your clit, making you keen upwards, back bending up off the bed, pressing your chest into his.

“Mm, shit, you always feel so good...like hot, smooth velvet…” Steve moans in your ear as you can’t help but pull at his hair.

“F-fuck,” you gasp as he snaps his hips into yours, his cock rocketing straight into your sweet spot, seeing a flurry of sparks behind your eyelids.

“My sweet girl,” Steve laments as he picks up his pace, snapping his hips forward, harder, then faster, then harder some more. His face drops to your neck, nipping at your throat with those perfect teeth. His scraggly scruff burns a path against your shoulder as he kisses and bites and lavishes every inch of skin his mouth can reach.

One of his hands finds its way to your breast, tweaking your nipple roughly between his fingers. And you scream. Oh god, do you scream and scream and scream as he slams into you, playing your body like a finely tuned instrument.

And that’s all you might as well be to him in that moment as he toys with all your pleasure points, having studied you every night until he finds every way to make you come undone around him.

Just as you think you’re about to cross over into that precipice, to come so hard you’ll see stars, he lets go and pulls back on his pace.

You whimper, hands on his shoulders, pulling him to you, and heels digging into the fleshy underside of his ass. “Please...p-please...I need...oh fuck...please…” You're panting, eyes squeezed shut, begging for your release to return.

“Hmm, and here I thought I was supposed to be the one screaming,” he teases, his voice light and carefree; soft,  as he continues his leisurely pace.

Oh, so this is the game he wants to play. Your eyes snap open, burning into his as your determination lights a fire deep in your belly. Once more, you throw your body around, pulling an unexpected yelp from Steve as you are on top of him again.

And, without warning, your slamming yourself down on him, crying out as the tip of his cock hits your cervix roughly, but not quite painful enough to stop. Oh no, you’re not going to stop. You won’t stop until he begs; until he screams.

Your nails dig into his pecs, biting into the tense muscle, leaving crescent moon indentations in his flesh. He hisses, almost howling, and you aren’t sure if it’s from pain, but you can’t bring yourself to care. No, you’re determined to make Steve Rogers regret his teasing.

You can feel your need skyrocket, taking over all other senses as you toss your head back, your hair cascading down your shoulders, tickling your back, grinding and rolling and bouncing with fervor on top of him. Barely, somewhere in the back of your mind, you hear whimpering pants turning into unrestrained cries and grunts. He’s close. But so are you.

Your release your hold on his chest, lean back and rest one hand on his thigh as your other finds your clit, your fingers circling the nub with gusto.

“Please, baby, I need you to come, I can’t hold off…” Steve begs as his hands clutch your waist, leaving bruises for you to look at tomorrow with fond memories of this moment.

And here it is. He’s struggling to hold off, simultaneously slamming you down harder as well as trying to control your movements so he won’t come before you. But you fight against him. And he’s like putty in your hands as you keep up your pace, your punishing rhythm pulling cries and screams out from his clench teeth. You clench your walls around him, so close to your release, and you can feel him tense beneath you.

His ass and thighs are tensing and you can feel warmth pooling inside of you. With a couple final strokes against your clit and a devastating clench of your vaginal walls, you wail as your orgasm has you spasming around his sensitive cock, bringing a couple last cries from his lips before you fall limply against him.

“The fuck, YN?!?” Steve gasps as you slide off his chest and curl against his side. “My god, that was…”

But there are no words to follow as he lies there, mouthing silent words, eyes closed, gasping for breath.

You lie there, watching his chest rise and fall as his breathing starts to slow. His face starts to relax and a small smile creeps around his lips. And then he’s asleep. You smile, tucking yourself closer into his side, pulling a blanket over the two of you, and fall asleep too.

\------

When you wake again, the sun's rays warm against your cheek, you open your eyes to find a pair of soft, baby blue ones staring back at you. Steve’s wearing that lazy smile you love; the one you’ve woken up to every morning for the past month. He’s peering up at you through thick lashes, blinking slowly in content, before looking at you again.

God, that smile was going to kill you one of these days.

“What time is it?” you mumble, your mouth and half your face still buried in the comforter.

Steve groans as he cranes his neck up to look over you towards the clock that lies on his bedside table. “Eh, we got about an hour before we get J-Bird off the bus.”

“So, was that a sufficient distraction? Or should I try another technique for tomorrow?” You ask, wearing a teasing smile as he chuckles.

“You can distract me like that any time you like,” Steve says as he pulls you into his arms, tucking you under his chin and humming comfortably.

“Sounds gr-what...uh, what’s wet?” you ask, suddenly aware of a slight discomfort and coolness around your knees.

“Hmm? Oh, that. Best I can tell, you’ve either peed yourself, or you...squirted,” he replied somewhat bashfully.

You. Are. Mortified.

“Kill me,” you groan. “So gross.”

“You kidding me? Fuckin’ hot, that’s what it is.”

You laugh at the seriousness of his tone, but it quickly morphs into a hiss at the tenderness in your abs and between your thighs.

“You ok?” Steve asks, concerned as you tense slightly.

“More than ok,” you assure him, trying to push yourself up on your shaky arms, but Steve’s already up, pulling you into his arms. You playfully swat at his chest, but he only hooks his arm behind your knees and carries you into the bathroom.

When your butt meets cool porcelain, you let out an unattractive squeal. When Steve is sure that you won’t fall, he turns to grab a couple towels from the rack. Then, he slips an arm into the shower, starting the hot water.

“Figured it’d be easier to shower instead of wiping down. We, uh, we both got kinda messy,” he explains somewhat shyly when you cock an eyebrow in question.

The shower feels amazing on your overused muscles.  His strong, warm hands massage your back and shoulders, making you feel infinitely better. It was so easy to let yourself get lost in the blissful sensations, and you completely missed that Steve had asked you something until he had stopped.

“Hmm?” You hum, turning in his arms, pressing your cheek to his chest, and letting the water beat against your back.

“Can I ask you something?”  His voice is timid; small.  Almost like he’s scared.

You nod your head, waiting patiently, and a little anxious.

“Do you, uh, do you think Bucky would be mad that we...that we’re...do you think he’d be upset that we are together?”

Ah, now you could see why he was worried.  By the gods, what a heavy question to have weighing on his mind after having the most insane, intense, satisfying sex of your life.

You don’t answer right away. Instead, you turn and push away, reaching for his shower pouf and body wash. You squeeze a generous glob onto the pouf and turn back, smiling sadly at his pouty expression. Slowly, you take special care to wash every inch of his body. You made sure to worship every line, every crease, every scar you came across, pouring every ounce of love that you had for him into your gentle strokes.

“Honestly, Steve, I think if he knew, that he’d be glad it was you. There is nobody else that he would have trusted his family with. I know how much he loved me, and how much he loved you, and I think that he would want us both to be happy. And if it’s with each other, then yeah, I think he’d have been ok with it. Maybe he wouldn’t have been particularly excited, but I don’t believe that he would have been angry.”

Steve pulls you in for another heated kiss, pressing your back against the cold tile wall. And he takes you for a second time, making you come again as the hot water turns cold.

\------

Christmas is only two weeks away, and you are lying on the couch, huddled under two blankets, shivering, and sick. You aren’t sure where you’d caught this illness, you hadn’t been sick in ages, but here you were, without a doubt, feeling like you were about to die.

You can hear Steve stomping up the steps on the front porch, unlock the door, and then the sound of the door creaking open and shut. Smaller footsteps go scurrying down the hallway, buzzing straight past you, and into the kitchen. You can see Steve stripping out of his damp, snow-covered outerwear through the sliver in your cocoon of blankets. He looks up to you, smiling sadly as he sees you haven’t moved from where he’d left you almost an hour ago.

“Sorry it took so long. There was a long wait at the restaurant to get our takeout, then there was a problem with your prescription at the pharmacy, and then the snow started really coming down. I was worried for a bit that we wouldn’t be able to make it home, but alas, here we are. And don’t worry, I was able to get the antibiotics the doctor called in for you. Let me pour you some of this broth to drink before you take it.”

You sniffled miserably and groaned when you’d opened your mouth to thank Steve for running out to get your meds and taking care of Jamie so you’d be able to rest. He seemed to understand what you meant, even if you didn’t actually get to say the words, and kissed your forehead.

“You’re still pretty warm. I’ll grab some motrin for you as well,” he mused as he left for the kitchen.

You curled into a ball and continued to groan miserably, closing your eyes, and willing yourself to just give up and die right now. Death couldn’t possibly be any worse than this hell you were living through right now.

Steve returned with a tray laden with a bottle of water, some Gatorade, a handful of pills, and a big steaming mug of egg drop soup.

“Come on, up we go,” he urged as he sat the tray on the floor and held his hands out for you so he could help pull you into a sitting position. You grabbed his hands weakly, and when you made no move to get up on your own, he chuckled, and pulled you, your head falling limply backwards.

“Here, drink some of this first.”  He grabbed the mug with the soup, sat down beside your bent knees, and leaned forward with a spoonful of broth.

Reluctantly, you took a small sip from the soup, and groaned as it burned its way down your raw throat. Steve gave you a sympathetic smile as he scooped up another spoonful and held it to your lips, waiting for you to take another sip.

“I know it’s bad, sweetheart, but it’s gonna help you feel better.”

“Liar,” You grumbled as you took another sip. He chuckled, but doesn’t deny it as he continues to feed you.

Then, after he helps you take all your medicine and drink nearly half the bottle of Gatorade, he leaves you with strict instructions to rest. Which you do so gratefully, sleeping almost peacefully, until he’s waking you long after the room has fallen into darkness.

“Let’s get you to bed,” he whispers, gently pulling you bridal style into his arms, carrying you off towards his bedroom. You’d started to protest, something about not wanting him to catch your germs, but he only shushes you and continues to his room. “Let me go get your blankets and the medicine. I’ll be right back.” He kisses the top of your head after settling you under his comforter and tucking you in.

You must have dozed off again, because before you realized he’d left, he’s beside you again, whispering something as he eases you up like before. Several bites of soup, handful of meds swallowed, half a bottle of Gatorade drank, and he’s letting you lay back down again.

It’s still dark when you wake again, the clock reading that it’s just past 3 in the morning. It takes just another second to realize what’s pulled you groggily out of your slumber; an insistent urge to pee pressing demandingly against your bladder. It’s tempting to wake Steve and ask him to carry you to the bathroom so you wouldn’t have to walk by yourself, because you knew that he would in a heartbeat, but the poor guy had been waiting on you hand and foot for the past couple days. It wouldn’t be right to ask something so ridiculous of him.

Everything aches as you trudge to the bathroom and back. It’s a relief to fall back into bed, burrowing yourself under the blankets, seeking the heat you’d lost when you had to get up.

It feels like an eternity as you wait for the blankets to warm you. It’s taking far, far, far too long. You shift uncomfortably around and your eyes lay on Steve, sleeping soundly sans shirt, next to you. He’s lying on his back, one hand on his chest while the other is flung above his head.

Mmm, he usually exudes copious amounts of body heat. Maybe, if you just scooted a little bit closer, you’d be able to pull some of it into your shivering bones. Carefully, you begin to inch yourself towards the middle, careful not to wake him in your pursuit. He lets out a soft snore, but otherwise, continues to sleep peacefully.

You almost moan when you’re finally close enough to feel the heat radiating off his large body. He’s like a damn furnace, feeling almost as if he could burn you if you dared to touch him.

Gingerly, you ease a hand from beneath your blankets and let it ghost along his side. The warmth is intoxicating, but you fight against yourself not to immediately throw yourself on top of him. So, you start with a hand. Then your arm is against him. And then it’s your feet, pressed against his legs. Until finally, you are curled into his side, him seemingly unaware. Finally, you’re able to fall asleep again.

It’s still dark when your pulled from sleep again. This time, you’re too hot. Pushing some of your blankets off, you find yourself still curled into Steve’s side, but now he’s turned slightly towards you with his arm wrapped around your back. He stirs while you wrestle with the blankets.

“E’rything ok?” He grunts, wiping his eyes as he turns to his side, towards you, pulling you closer to him.

“Yeah...just...too hot,” you huffed as you kicked at the offending blankets, growing more and more frustrated that you couldn’t get yourself untangled.

He hums, closing his eyes again and wrapping himself around you as you are finally able to get yourself free. He hums again, shifting slightly, rolling his hips, then he’s still. Then you have to adjust, shifting slightly to find a comfortable position as Steve hugs you to his chest.

And so starts the slow tango of small movements and grinding and shifting until you are pressed into his side, your thigh thrown over his hips, your leg tangled with his, as he ruts against you. You’re grinding almost mindlessly against his thigh.

It’s Steve who moves first, pulling you up against his body until you are sprawled across his chest. He’s pulling you down for a kiss, but you turn to the side.

“No, you’ll get sick…” you warn him, only half-heartedly pushing yourself away.

You wanna kick yourself as he gives you that pout, but the guilt of possible giving him your illness only just outweighs your constricting heart. You shouldn’t have let it get even this far, but then he rolls you off his chest, and pulls your back against his front.

“How about this? This ok?” He’s nearly pleading with you with his deep, scratchy, desperate voice, still thick with sleep.

You only nod as he’s already pushing your sleep pants down to your knees. He rolls to the side so he can push his own down just under his ass, just enough to pull his hard cock from his pants. He spits into his hand, smears it against your waiting cunt, and then he’s pressing into you.

It’s hot, and needy, and slow. He’s rolling his hips into you, not thrusting. His groans are merely huffs as his hot breath fans over the back of your neck. His hands are holding you reverently, tenderly, securely. Fuck, it felt so good to be held like this after having been so miserable the past few days.

“Fuck, you’re so tight and warm wrapped around me like this. Shit, you feel so damn good. Always feel so damn good. Ungh, when you clench me so tight…” he groans, keeping his steady rhythm.

“Steve, please, ah,” you beg, you plead, but you’re not quite sure what for.

He slides a hand down your thigh, hooking it under your knee, and pulling it up, spreading you wide open for him. He adjusts your foot so that, with your knee still bent, it rests on top of his thigh. His hand skims down your thigh until his long fingers are gently circling your clit. Your release is gentle and warm and soothing as he easily coaxes it out of you. Pleasure is rolling over your body like gentle waves crashing over the beach, slowly enveloping you until you are swallowed whole.

You can’t make a sound as he eases you through your climax, and then he’s finding his.

“That...that may be my favorite…” he muses as he gently pulls out and rolls to his side after easing your legs back together.

You hum in agreement, already so close to sleep again after such a euphoric experience. He gets out of bed, disappearing for a minute, then he’s back, wiping gently between your thighs with a warm washcloth, then throwing it into the hamper. He curls himself around you again, and then you both are asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Big Revelation

Christmas came and went in a flurry of excitement, colorful lights, and wrapping paper.  New Years was just around the corner and you’d made plans with Steve to stay home, pop a bottle of sparkling grape juice, and try to keep Jamie awake long enough to watch the ball drop.

Jamie had been keeping herself occupied with the new art supplies and easel that Steve-I mean, _Santa_ -had brought her for Christmas.

This particular morning, Steve was sitting with her in the kitchen where the sun's rays provided the best lighting, doodling in his sketch pad as she flung the washable paint against her own paper that had been pinned up to the easel. They were two peas in a pod, both concentrating and thoughtful as they worked in silence.

You, on the other hand, were having a far less enjoyable morning. For the third time since you woke up, you found yourself hugging the toilet as your stomach convulsed. This couldn’t be happening. You’d only just kicked whatever made you sick a week ago. You were finally starting to feel like a human being again when waves of nausea sent you hurtling towards the bathroom.

When you were able to pull yourself to your feet again, you rinsed your mouth, brushed your teeth again, and used some mouthwash for good measure. As you walked back into the kitchen, Steve’s concerned gaze found you. You shrugged it off as you reached the fridge, pulling out a ginger ale.

“I think we should go see the doctor again. Maybe you aren’t completely over the sickness like we thought you were,” Steve suggested, taking a break from his sketches to walk over to where you stood, sipping your drink.

“Yeah, maybe. I just...ugh, I hate this so much. I hate the doctors office and I hate being sick.”

“I know sweetheart, but the sooner they figure out what’s wrong, the sooner we can get you better. I hate seeing you so miserable,” he says as he wraps his arms around you from behind, kissing the side of your neck as you relax back against him.

“Yeah, you’re right. I should go. Maybe I’ll head to the urgent care place. You think you two can hold the fort down for a couple hours?”

“Absolutely,” he assures you, kissing you once more, then walked back to the kitchen table, taking his previous seat.

You grab your purse and keys, then you’re out the door.

————————

You can’t believe it. How the fuck could this have happened?  Again?!?!? 

You stared at the doctor as she told you the test results.

When she had asked about your symptoms, she jotted down a few notes, keeping a neutral expression, never giving any indication as to what she might have been thinking as you listed off everything you’d been feeling. When she asked for a urine sample, you’d been surprised, but she assured you it was normal, so you assented without another thought.

Now, however, you were shocked. Stunned!  This couldn’t be happening, but here she was, still talking, saying the word over and over and over again until it finally started to sink in.

Pregnant.

You. Are. Pregnant.

Again.

What the fuck?  How did this happen?

Ok, so you know how this happens, but **how the fuck did this happen?!?**

The doctor looked taken aback for a second before composing herself. Oh shit, you must have said that last bit out loud. You tried to apologize, but she gave you a kind smile and assured you everything was ok.

“Judging from what you’ve already told me, my best guess is that the antibiotics interfered with the effectiveness of your birth control. It’s happens more often than you think. Usually when a doctor prescribes them, they’ll warn you, advise using an additional form of contraception if that’s the case.”

“I...uh...he called the prescription in...my boyfriend picked it up for me...I didn’t know…” you stammered, still a bit shell shocked.

She gave you an understanding smile. “Like I said, it happens more often than you would think.  If you need me to, I can give you a referral to a great OBGYN. Or the number of a clinic, if you’d rather take a different route.”

You had no words, only able to stare dumbly at the doctor, as if she had grown two heads.

“I’ll give you both and you can take some time to decide,” she assures you with another kind smile. In front of you, she lays a bag full of pamphlets, a folder of paperwork to take with you if you make an appointment for a follow up with your OBGYN, and several samples of some prenatal vitamins that she recommended you start right away, just in case. With a quick squeeze to your shoulder, she walks you to the door, leaving you to make your way to the car, and head back home.

Holy mother of fuck!

What were you gonna do?  Did you wanna have another baby?  You hadn’t even planned on having the first.

But she turned out to be great, didn’t she?  Of course she did! She’s perfect and you couldn’t imagine your life without her in it.

But do you really wanna do that all over again?  The morning sickness, the irritability, the mood swings, the swollen ankles, the cravings, the labor, and contractions, the birth!  Could you go through all of that again?

And what about Steve?  Fucking shit, what were you going to tell Steve?  Would he want to have a baby with you?  The two of you just barely started dating, and now this!  Is he ready for another kid?  Wasn’t he working hard enough raising your first kid? Would he want to add another one to the ever-evolving chaos?

Before you were ready, you were pulling up the driveway. You switched the car into park and sat there, forehead on the steering wheel, hoping for some kind of divine intervention to tell you what to do.

A flutter of the curtains caught your attention. You knew you’d been spotted. Best to go ahead and head in before they start to worry.  Bundling up all the stuff you’d received from the doctor, you rushed inside, stomped the snow off your boots.

Steve’s standing just inside the door, but you bypass him without a single look as you walk straight for the kitchen. His footsteps follow you as you collapse into a dining room chair and let your head fall onto the table with a thump.

“What did the doctor say? Are you alright? Did they know what’s wrong?” Steve asked, taking a seat next to you.

You sighed and lifted your head, pushing your palms into your eyes, rubbing harshly before focusing on him. He looked genuinely worried.

“Yeah, she knew what was wrong?” You admit in a quiet, almost defeated voice.

“And? What is it? Is it the same thing as before?”

“No, it’s...Steve, I’m pregnant…” you say, deciding that it was best to just rip that bandaid off right away.

You watch as his eyes widen, but otherwise, doesn’t show any other sign of reaction. His face was completely expressionless for far longer than you found comfortable. And you can’t handle this right now.

“Where’s J?” you ask, pushing up from the table.

“N-n-n...she’s, uh, she’s napping,” he croaks, eye’s still wide as he stares at you.

“I’m gonna go lay down for a bit,” you say, walking out of the kitchen without another glance in his direction. He’s gonna need some time to digest the news and you need a fucking nap.

You’ve barely made into the living room when there’s a knock on the door. With a frustrated sigh, you glance out the window towards the driveway to see beat-up single cab truck parked behind your car. On the porch, you can see part of a hulking figure standing back from your front door. The guy, and you do assume that it’s a guy judging from the sheer size of him, he’s got his back to the door, looking out into the front yard.

You’ve never had visitors out here before. Especially unannounced visitors.

Steve’s striding into the room, making his way straight towards the door. You stay back a few steps as he opens the door.

“Hello, can I help you, sir?” Steve asks calmly despite his hand white-knuckling the doorknob and his shoulders tense.

“I hope so,” you hear a familiar voice respond, freezing the blood in your veins. You felt your heart sputter before it started hammering in your chest. That voice, oh god, that voice still haunted your dreams. You’d never mistake it anywhere; but you also thought you’d never hear it out loud ever again.

You stumble forward, caught only by Steve’s arm as it comes back to block you from throwing yourself out the door. He turns towards you, wrapping both arms around your middle as your knees give out. You struggle out of his hold, throwing yourself towards the man at the door, desperately needing to feel him with your own two hands, to know that he’s real.

He’s standing a few paces back from the door. His hair is much longer than when you’d last seen it. His beard is thick and scruffy and unkempt, covering the bottom half of his face completely, but you already know there’s a striking, sharp jawline beneath.

But his eyes; those piercing steely blue eye are shining exactly as you remember when they finally find yours.

It was him. He was really here, after all this time.

Your Bucky.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fallout from last chapter's revelations!!! Angst warning!

 

Steve isn’t able to restrain you anymore, whether it be from willfully letting you go, or from his own stunned reflexes not being strong enough to hold you back, you don’t know, and you don’t care. You’re out of his arms and throwing yourself at Bucky with such a force that he stumbles backwards, struggling to stay upright as his arm comes around you. An arm. Just one arm.

Oh, right. All they found of him before was his left arm. So that would mean, yeah, of course, he only has one arm now.

You’re not sure how long you cling to him, but it’s long enough that the cold has started to bite at your cheeks and your body started to shiver.

“Uh…mmm…c-c’mon in…” Steve sputters as he steps out of the way and Bucky is pulling you inside.

You can’t let him go. You know you should, but you can’t. If you let go, if you can’t feel him anymore, he might disappear and you might wake up from whatever dream you’re having right now.

Please God, if this is a dream, please please please don’t let me wake up.

But no, his warmth is solid as he keeps you close. The air around you is scented with that familiar, clean, yet slightly musky smell that you never thought you’d smell again. His warm breath is panting against your cheek as you bury your nose into his hair, inhaling everything about him.

Tiny footsteps break you out of your reverie as they approach from down the hallway. You pull back reluctantly, let him go, and you notice the way his face falls slightly when you take a step back.

Jamie comes parading into the living room, stopping short when she sees someone else standing in the living room with you and Steve. Quick as a fox, she scurries behind Steve’s legs, hiding behind him as she peeks around him to you and Bucky.

Steve looks like he’s seen a ghost. His mouth hangs open and you can’t be sure, but you think he hasn’t blinked since he opened the door. There’s a myriad of emotions burning behind his blue eyes and you can’t help but feel more than a slight twinge of guilt about your actions. You’ve just told Steve, who you’re in a still very new, very devoted relationship with, that you were carrying his baby, and then easily forgot all about him only a few moments later when the previous love of your life comes back from the dead and shows up at the door.

But it’s hard to concentrate on that as Bucky stands, flesh and bone and beating heart right here in front of you.

“B-b-but Bucky…how…how are you here? How are you still alive?” You whisper as you turn back to him, hands on his shoulders, until he winces and you pull back as of you’d been burned. You’re about to apologize, but he cuts you off.

“No, it’s fine, it’s nothing. Just, still not used to anyone touching it yet,” he admits bashfully as he looks at his left shoulder, where his arm used to be. His eyes snap back up towards Steve, who is now holding Jamie in his arms, her face half-hidden in his shirt as she peeks at Bucky every few seconds.

She’s seen pictures of him before, but he looked much different than he does now, so you aren’t sure she’s able to figure out who he is yet.

“Is that…” Bucky whispers and then clears his throat as his head minutely nods toward the girl, eyes on you now, shining and fearful.

You turn, motioning for Steve to come forward with her.

He approaches slowly behind you, his steps seem to be slow and calculated. Bucky stiffens and it looks like he’s fighting the urge to run the closer Steve and Jamie get. When he’s beside you, he hands Jamie to you, and steps towards Bucky timidly. They share only a brief look before Steve is engulfing him in a bear hug.

Steve’s shoulders are shaking as he holds Bucky, each man letting their tears fall unashamedly. Steve is still sniffling when he finally releases his hold on Bucky, both men smiling as they look at each other. They don’t say a word, though. What is there to say, really? The thought of finding anything to express how they feel in this moment is almost…trivial.

The only sound made is a relieved chuckle from Steve as he continues to stare disbelievingly at Bucky. He steps to the side, giving you the chance to approach him again. You pull Jamie further up on your hip as you take a couple steps forward, giving both her and Bucky time to get ready for their introduction.

“Bucky, this is Jamie. Your daughter. Jamie, this is your dad. Do you remember the pictures we’ve shown you of him?”

She nods her head shyly, keeping her face hidden behind your hair.

“Do you want to say hi?” You ask her quietly.

She shakes her head no, just a little. You are just about to urge her to reconsider, but Bucky stops you.

“No, it’s ok. I’m a stranger. She…she doesn’t know me…it’s…it’s ok,” he says thickly, nodding roughly, not taking his eyes off her for a second.

“We, uh, let’s have a seat, huh?” Steve insists as he motions towards the couch.

You gesture for Bucky to go first, but he stays still, only moving to follow after you take a seat on the plush armchair. Steve stands across the room, just staring at the three of you as Bucky takes the seat on the couch closest to you.

You look to Steve, take in his bright, wide eyes, his set jaw, his pursed lips, and furrowed brow. You can’t tell if he’s upset, or in shock, and if you’re honest, you don’t think Steve’s quite able to differentiate between his own emotions at the moment either. Poor guy. You already dropped a huge bombshell on him today. And now, to get hit with this…

The room is almost too quiet. You’ve got to do something…

“Let me get your coat…” you offer, sitting Jamie on the armrest as you stand, but Bucky shakes his head, clutching his arm around his middle just enough to grab the opening and cinching it closed in his first.

“No, uh, no thank you. I’d rather keep it on…for now…” he says as he ducks his head, looking almost bashfully.

“I never thought I would see you again,” you say as you take the seat next to him this time, careful to keep a respectful distance between you. It’s crazy how awkward this moment feels, to be with him again after having spent so long believing him to be dead.

“Maybe I should give you guys some time…” Steve voice breaks the tension as you see him reach for his coat.

“No, you can’t leave…” you say as you jump up again.

“Yeah, I really think I should,” he counters, not quite coldly, but his voice is definitely hard, turning his back to you as walks to the coat rack.

“Steve, please, just…”

“Just what?” He snips in a forceful whisper, probably a little harsher than he meant, but you can see the apology burning in his eyes the moment he faces you again. “Look, I’m sorry, but you need this. You two should talk. I’ll take Jamie into the city, maybe let her visit with Sam and the kids. Give you guys some privacy…”

“But what about…” you cut off, eyes darting towards Bucky on the couch, who hasn’t taken his eyes off Jamie. “What about…you know…” You point at your belly in what you hoped was a very nonchalant gesture.

“We’ll talk later. Right now, he needs you,” Steve says as he finally adopts a passive expression.

“But I need you,” you whisper pleadingly, and you think he’s gonna break. You can see the way his eyes shine and he’s so close to giving in to you just as he usually does, but the moment passes and his face is set again.

“We won’t know where we stand until you figure out where you stand with him now,” He says cooly. The conversation is over. You can feel a part of your heart fracturing as he holds his hand out to Jamie.

She rushes to his side and he gives a nod towards you and Bucky as he takes her to her room to get ready to leave.

“But…where are they going?” Bucky asks as he shoots to his feet again.

“Steve thinks we should talk in private first. He’s gonna take Jamie to a friends house for a while,” you explain, trying to keep the devastation out of your voice. You can’t explain why you feel so sad. Maybe it’s because it feels like the end of…well, you’re not sure, buts it’s definitely the end of something.

“Oh, ok,” Bucky says quietly as he takes a seat on the couch again.

It’s silent as you avoid looking at him until Steve comes back down the hallway with Jamie, a backpack on his back and her in her snow gear.

“Love you baby,” you say as you walk up to them, kneel in front of Jamie and wrap her in a tight hug. You kiss her forehead and stand back up. She waves small towards Bucky which delightedly earns her a wave from him.

Your farewell with Steve is awkward and almost forced as you hug him. His body is tense as he barely bends forward to return it half-heartedly. Dread filled your gut as you watched him give Bucky a meaningful look and then walked out the door.

He was right though. You knew Steve was right. There was so much to talk about and it was best to do so without distraction.

“So…”

“I’ve missed you,” Bucky said as he turned his body towards you but kept his gaze locked on his lap.

“I’ve missed you too. I’ve missed you s-so much,” you say as you take the seat next to him again and reach for his hand.

Barely another second passes before you find yourself pulling him into your arms again, hugging him for everything your worth.

“I’ve thought about you everyday,” he whispers in your ear after a few long moments.

You pull back, but don’t let him go. “What happened Buck? You were dead. We…we had a memorial service…we mourned you.”

“It’s a long story…”

“And it looks like we’ve got time. Why don’t I put on some coffee?”

Bucky nods as he follows you to the kitchen. He finally shrugs out of his coat and you can’t help but notice the way his sleeve is pinned together, emphasizing the loss of his arm. When he turns towards you again, you quickly glance away, fiddling with the coffee maker. You can hear a chair sliding across the hardwood as it’s pulled away from the table. A soft thump as he sits and it’s quiet again as he waits for you to finish.

“So, you named her Jamie?” Bucky asks quietly. You turn to look at him as you lean back against the counter.

“Yeah, Jamie. We never really discussed names before you left, and then you died, and I just, I felt like…it was like…I don’t know, it felt right at the time. I lose one James Barnes and then gain another a few weeks later,” you admit somewhat shyly.

“James?”

“Yeah, on her birth certificate, her given name is James Rebecca Barnes,” you’re almost bashful to admit, but out of the corner of his eye, you can see a smile.

“She’s so…”

“…she’s just like you, Buck. Not just looks like you, but she acts like you. She’s kind and smart and funny and she’s everything that you were…are, I mean. She’s been this little piece of you that I’ve been able to keep with me.”

“She’s perfect,” he laments.

“Yeah, she really is.”

“And beautiful.”

You give him a watery chuckle. “It’s easy to say when she looks just like you…”

The coffee maker dings behind you, signalling that it’s finished. You’re quick to pour two cups and take a seat at the table with Bucky. He says a quick thank you as he takes a sip from his mug, looking suddenly mournful.

“She’ll come around, you know,” you offer. “She gets shy sometimes.”

He only nods thoughtfully, taking another long sip from his cup.

“Buck, how are you still alive?” You ask, unable to hold it in any longer. “Steve said there was an explosion. Everyone thought you were…”

“Yeah, well, it sent me straight over the cliff. By all accounts, I should be dead. I still don’t completely understand how I’m not. The explosion should have done me in. And if not that, then definitely the fall, but, here I am,” he says almost bitterly. “I don’t remember much. I remember Steve’s face, I was dragging him, but then a bright light and the heat, and then…pain, just…everywhere was pain…I woke up in a hospital sometime later, not sure how long I was there. Spent some time in a POW camp after I healed up enough to be released.

“There was some head trauma too; memory loss. It took a couple years before I could remember my own name, but always, I…” He looks down and picks at a spot on the table. He takes a deep breath and looks up at you. “I saw your face. I never forgot your face. Didn’t know my own name, but I knew you.”

The breath is stolen from your lungs as you feel tears burning behind your eyes. He smiled real small and averted his gaze back to the table. And when he shifted in his seat, the collar of his shirt moved just enough to give you a glimpse of jagged scarring along his collarbone and teasing up the edges of his throat.

“I, uh, I got some photo albums if you wanna maybe look through them,” you said, blinking away some tears.

The next couple hours were spent pouring through the albums, starting with the day Jamie was born. The first picture was of you, Steve, and Jamie, right after she was born. You were lying in the bed, looking absolutely wrecked after strenuous hours of labor, but looking overjoyed as you held your baby girl, and Steve leaning on the bed, his arm around your shoulder, smiling down at both of you with shining, wet eyes.

“So, he really did take care of you two, didn’t he?” Bucky asks wistfully, smiling as he kept flipping through the pages.

“Yeah, he did,” you answered as you looked fondly at all the pictures, over half of them featuring Steve either holding Jamie, playing with her, or chasing after her. “He really stepped up. He…he gave up every chance to have his own life to stay with us after…”

Bucky hummed, continuing to flip page after page. It took a little while, but you started to notice a frown mar Bucky’s face. With every new picture, every smiling face staring back at him, his frown only grew deeper and deeper.

“You guys have built quite the life here,” Bucky eventually says, sadness lacing his words.

“I mean, yeah, I guess. We did the best we could…”

“And Jamie seems to be happy…”

“Yeah, I suppose…she’s a pretty well adjusted kid. But you…she never…you were already…gone…when she was born…”

“This was a mistake,” Bucky interrupts and stands from the table.

“W-what?” You ask breathlessly. Surely you couldn’t have heard him right.

“This-I-I shouldn’t have come here. You guys were…you have this life and you…you don’t need me here…” He grabs his coat and is making like he’s going to walk out.

“No, wait, what’s happened? What’s wrong?” You ask desperately as you jumped to your feet to follow him.

“I just walked in here, disrupting everything. I don’t know what I was thinking coming here. Maybe I thought…” He sighed, keeping his back to you, but hanging his head. “Maybe I half hoped that things could go back like the way they were before. You and me and our b-baby…with Jamie…but…but you’ve moved on and J-Jamie has S-Steve and I’m just gonna mess up everything. You don’t need me…”

“You’re not…I don’t understand…I thought…I just got you back. Please, don’t go,” you plead, grasping at his arm as he starts walking towards the door. He freezes, but he doesn’t turn to face you.

“I don’t know what I was expecting when I came here. But this was a bad idea. You were happy. I’ve seen it,” he says as he nods towards the albums now abandoned on the kitchen table. “And J-Jamie…she don’t need me. I’m not…she’s already got a dad…she deserves Steve…”

“But, no, Bucky…” Your throat is tight and you can feel the stead swell of tears pooling in the corner of your eyes.

Just then, the front door swings open, and you can hear Steve stomping into the house, shaking the snow from his boots.

“Jamie’s staying with Sam and the girls tonight. He offered to keep her so we could…” Steve paused when he turned the corner and saw the two of you; Bucky looking guilty with his back to you, and you, clutching at his arm, tears trekking down your face. He’s quick to rush to your side, taking your face in both his hands as he ducks his face towards yours. “Are you alright?” He whispers.

You release Bucky’s sleeve and wrap your hands around his wrists, holding him to you as you close your eyes and nod. You don’t see it, but Bucky has turned around, eyes wide as he stares at you and Steve.

But you can hear him scoff. “Perfect,” you barely hear him whisper as you pull back from Steve to look over his shoulder to Bucky. He’s shaking his head and devastation quickly morphs to understanding, and then anger. “What a fucking idiot I am.”

“No, Buck, wait, you don’t understand…” You try to assure him as you try to pull away from Steve, but he’s not letting go of your hands.

“Don’t I? What did I misinterpret? Are you not fucking my best friend?” He demands angrily.

“Buck…” You still struggle to disentangle yourself from Steve and you’re starting to get properly frustrated that he won’t let you reach out to Bucky.

“How long have you been fucking my girl?”

“Please, just let me explain…” you try, but Steve pulls you behind his body as he squares off with Bucky.

“It’s not like that, Buck. Now, you need to calm down…” Steve says cooly, one hand still around your wrist, holding you behind his back as his other is weakly outstretched in front of him a bit.

“Then tell me how it is, Steve, please!” Bucky shouts. “Explain to me how you could do this to me! My best friend!”

You can’t help but flinch at his sharp tone and loud voice. You’ve never in your whole life ever heard him so threatening before.

“You died! I watched you die. We mourned you! You can’t possibly think I would…” Steve is arguing and you can feel the way his body is starting to shake as he struggles to hold onto his calm.

“This can not be happening,” you whisper, completely shocked at the scene rapidly unfolding in front of you.

“What? That you wouldn’t fuck the love of my life as soon as you thought I was out of the picture?!? Yeah, well, when the proof is staring you right in the face, it’s hard to ignore it!” Bucky takes a step forward and Steve shifts. It’s just the most minute movement, a small shift, barely an inch to the left as he attempts to completely block you from Bucky’s advance.

The air surrounding you is suddenly tense and thick, making it almost impossible to breath.

“Do you love her?” Bucky demands in a voice barely above a whisper. His jaw is clenched as well as his fist at his side.

“What?” Steve asks breathlessly, taken off guard by his question.

“I said, do you think you’re in love with her?”

There’s a long pause, a thoughtful moment before Steve’s answer breaks the silence, “Yes.”

“You son of a bitch,” Bucky cries out as he slams a right hook square into Steve’s face. You’re shoved roughly to the side as they both fall heavily to the floor.

They get caught up in a chair as they roll around, Bucky struggling to land another hit as Steve focuses on holding him off. Despite having only one arm, Bucky is still quite the formidable opponent.

“She was my everything! And I bet you couldn’t wait to swoop in and steal her away,” Bucky growled as he straddled Steve’s waist and pulled him up by his collar.

“You were dead!” Steve screams. “You were gone! Don’t you get it?!! You were all we had too! And we both lost you! I lost you! I loved you!”

Bucky eyes widened and it sucked in a harsh breath. He released his hold and rolled off of Steve, quickly pushing back up to his feet. Steve was up next, panting as he smoothed his shirt back down.

“I…I’m sorry…” Bucky says quietly as he hangs his head.

“Save it.” Steve scoffs as he runs a hand through his disheveled hair. He glances at you, giving you a soft, heartbroken look, before his face turns hard again as he looks back to Bucky. “I…I can’t be here…” And he stomps out of the room.

“Wait, Steve,” you say, running after him. “Don’t leave me again,” you whisper as soon as you know he can hear you.

He freezes for a second and then turns to you, just the hint of a sad smile tugging at his lips. “I just…I need some air…I’ll be right back…” And then he’s out the door.

You’re frozen. You stand there, flinching when you hear the door of his truck slam and the engine roar to life. With a spray of gravel, he’s gone again.

“I’m sorry…” Bucky offers again before he, too, walks out the door, leaving you all alone.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out what happened to the boys after they left. A lot of talks are had as YN frets over who she’s supposed to be with now.
> 
> Words: 4302
> 
> Not super exciting stuff happening right now, but all this has to happen before we can progress. I’m looking at wrapping this series up around 15 chapters so we don’t have too terribly much longer to go.

 

The bar is mostly quiet save for the music blaring some oldies song streaming from the jukebox. Steve orders himself another round as he hangs his head, wallowing in his misery.

_ What the hell was he thinking?!? _

Did he really think he was going to get to live out his happily ever after? With you?!? After all the things he’s done in his life; after all the lives he’s had to take in the name of war, after becoming a monster for the sake of his country, did he really, truly believe he deserves anything besides a lonesome and painful existence?

_ What a fucking dumbass you are, Rogers! _

And then the baby,  _ oh god _ , when you told him you were pregnant, he thought he was gonna faint. A sad smile now graced his lips at the idea. You were carrying his baby. Yeah, ok, so he froze, like a jackass, but he honest-to-god thought couldn’t believe it. And he froze. 

**_He froze!_ **

_ I bet Bucky didn’t freeze when she told him she was pregnant...What an ass...She deserves better...She deserves better than anything you would be able to give her… _

He remembers the resigned, almost defeated look in your eyes after you’d told him. Now, he can’t help but think about what that look might have meant. Did you regret getting pregnant? Did you regret that it was his baby? Did you resent him? Were you starting to second guess being in a relationship with him?

And then you were walking away. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say, and you  _ were walking away from him.  _ And he couldn’t breathe. 

Fuck, and then, to top it all off, Bucky’s come back from the dead?!? 

Of course, he was happy that his best friend was back. Of course he was! How often had he prayed for Bucky to have been spared? How many times has he screamed to the heavens to take him instead? To bring back his best friend and let him take his place. Every fucking day, that was the answer. 

But now, now that Bucky  _ is _ back, alive and mostly well save for missing an arm, showing up out of the blue on their doorstep...why wasn’t he as happy as he always thought he would be?

Was this resentment, or regret? What was this foul emotion that tinged his happiness when he saw his best friend on their doorstep? Or maybe it was the guilt that settled in his gut when he looked at Bucky’s face, thinking only about what this would mean for you and him?

Did he imagine it, or was there a tiny, microscopic voice in the back of his mind, whispering that maybe it would have been better if Bucky would have stayed dead so he could keep you all for himself; so he could have his happily ever after with you? Because now, there’s no way you won’t go back to Bucky. He was yours first, and Steve had only been a replacement...

_ My God, what a righteous prick you are, Rogers.  _

Of course that’s not what this was. He wouldn’t wish Bucky dead again for anything in the world. He wouldn’t have wished anyone dead. What kind of sick thought was that??? This is his oldest friend in the whole entire world! Of course he’s excited that he’s alive. 

_ But if that’s really true, why are you so miserable? _

The door of the bar opens and closes, but Steve pays no mind until there’s a body on the stool next to his. 

Bucky. 

Of fucking course it’s Bucky. 

Neither say anything as Steve signals the bartender for another round, and one for Bucky as well.

“I can’t leave her,” Steve finallys says, breaking the tension after the drinks arrive. “I know I should. It would be the right thing to do, to step back, out of the way, and let things go back to the way they were before; to let you guys be a real family, but…” He sighs and takes a gulp of the amber liquid.

Bucky doesn’t say anything, but Steve can hear him taking a drink from his own glass before it clinks to the bar top again.

“She’s pregnant,” Steve finally admits. 

“Fuck me,” Bucky grunts, bringing the glass back to his lips and draining it.

“You’re tellin’ me,” Steve groans in agreeance. “She told me right before you showed up.”

“So, were you two...have you been... _ together _ ...for very long?” Bucky asks quietly, staring down at his empty glass.

“Nah, not really. Just since the summer...”

“Damn Rogers, and I thought I moved fast,” Bucky tries to joke, but his laugh sounds too forced, too strained and painful. 

“It wasn’t planned, dumbass. I’m not sure how it happened, but here we are. And I have no idea what happens now. You’re back, so she’ll go back to you, as she should, but I can’t leave. Not as long as she’s still…ugh, no, not even if she weren’t pregnant I don’t think I could leave her.”

Bucky sighs and orders another round. 

“What a fucking mess, huh?” Bucky finally says, nudging Steve with his elbow. 

Both guys sighed, staring down at the bar in front of them

“You know, you won’t wanna hear this, but I really thought we, me and her, we were gonna be able to pull this off. I thought we were gonna make it through the pain of losing you, and maybe have the chance to be a real family. She still missed you; hell, I still fucking missed you, but we had each other and we understood that there was always gonna be this emptiness where you should have been, but we would get through it together.

“I was...I had been looking at some rings. To make it official. It was still way too soon, and I doubt she would ever have said yes, but I was looking at the end game. I wanted to  _ try _ …”

Steve scoffed at the ridiculous of the sentiment and finished his new drink, another being placed in front of him already. If he kept up at this rate, he was going to get properly drunk very fast.

“How’s YN taking it?” Bucky asked quietly. Steve could tell he was uncomfortable talking about it, but he had to give him credit; he seemed genuine in his concern. “The baby, I mean…”

“No clue,” Steve sighed. “She found out today. And told me just seconds before you showed up at the door.”

“How do you feel about it?” Bucky asked in a whisper.  

“I want it,” Steve admits, expecting another outburst from Bucky, which he feels would be rightfully deserved. “I still want all of it. I know it makes me a selfish asshole, but I can’t imagine my life without them, without YN and Jamie...and the baby.”

Surprisingly, there’s no outward reaction from Bucky save for the occasional sip he takes from his glass. Neither say anything for the next few moments as they both process all the new information. Steve’s feeling properly buzzed before he can break the silence.

“Where are you staying tonight?”

“Oh, uh, I don’t know yet. I figured I’d head back into town and find somewhere. I drove all night and all morning straight here, so…” 

“You should stay at the house, with us,” Steve insists. 

“Nah, man, I couldn’t do that,” Bucky says, shaking his head. 

“Of course you could. No matter how fucked up everything is right now, we’re still family, and you’ll stay with us. You know YN would insist on it if she were here.”

Bucky looks thoughtful for a moment, and then, almost begrudgingly, nods his head. 

“Alright then, let’s go home,” Steve agrees as he drops a few bills on the bar. 

\------

It’s well past midnight by the time you hear a vehicle pulling up in the driveway, the gravels crunching as it slowly approaches. You sit up from where you’d been lying on the couch, wiping at the long dried up tears that had been streaming down your face since you were left alone hours ago. As you peek through the curtains, you see a pair of headlights pulling up beside your car before they shut off. 

Only one vehicle. You hate to admit it, but it stings a little bit seeing that only one of them came back tonight.

You’re up by the door, flipping on the porch light, looking out through the screen to see which guy has come home. A broad figure gets out of the driver’s seat and makes his way over to the passenger’s side. It takes a second, but you can guess  that it’s Bucky and he’s struggling to pull Steve’s more than slightly drunk body out of the truck. 

Slipping into your snow boots, you’re out the door and down the steps before you can get your coat zipped up around your nightgown. Bucky already has one of Steve’s arm slung around his shoulders, his arm around his waist as you slip into his other side, helping take some of his weight.

“I got this...you shouldn’t…” Bucky grunts but you simply shake your head and hold fast to Steve’s arm and guide the men back into the house.

You don’t stop until you’ve shoved into Steve’s room. Once you’ve made it to the bed, you throw his heavy arm off your shoulders and let him fall heavily onto the mattress. You pull at Steve’s  boots, tossing them across the room before you push his legs onto the bed. Bucky watches, standing silently in the corner until he follows you out of the room.

“Sorry, he, uh, he had a few too many,” Bucky says sheepishly, looking at the floor and rubbing the back of his neck.

You sigh, looking back at the now closed door before looking back to Bucky. “Yeah, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. He got some hard news today…”

“Oh. Yeah. He told me about that, about you,” Bucky admits as he glances up at you through his eyelashes, causing heat to gather in your cheeks and burn down to your chest.

“Oh. Well. Yeah, I’m uh...yeah...so you know about…” you stammer as you quickly turn your back to him and start walking to the kitchen. You don’t hear him following you, but you can feel his presence as soon as he turns the corner.

“So, Steve said I should stay here tonight, but I think maybe I’ll head into town…”

“No, no, you should definitely stay here,” you interject with a firm nod. “You could, uh, you could take my room. At least for now, until we can get a mattress set up in the spare room for you to stay in...if you wanna stay....”

“I couldn’t take your bed. I can take the couch…”

“Nonsense. I don’t sleep in there much anyways…”

“Why no-Oh, right…” Bucky says with a small nod, focusing on the floor again.

You hiccup and inhale shakily. You can’t help but take a shaky step towards him. He looks so sad, so lonely, and you wish more than anything that you could fix it. 

“I’m so sorry, Bucky, I swear to God, I never wanted to hurt you like this. I’m so, so sorry,” you nearly sob as you throw yourself at him for the second time that day. You’re almost expecting him to step back, or to push you away, but he’s catching you and hugging you to him as your arms wind around his neck.

“No, sweetheart, you don’t have anything to apologize for. I’m the one who needs to say sorry. I acted like a jackass. I shouldn’t have gotten mad before. I shouldn’t have attacked Steve. Sometimes it gets real hard to control the outbursts, but that’s no excuse for how I behaved,” Bucky whispers in your ear as his nose nuzzles into your hair.

“No, Buck…” you sob into his shoulder. “You s-should be mad. I, I, I couldn’t imagine...if it were y-you that moved on without m-me…But I...B-Bucky, I never once s-stopped l-loving you...”

“I know, I know baby. I love you too, always,” Bucky says into your hair.

You cling to him, not saying another word. His warmth and his firmness are reassuring as you still struggle to believe that Bucky,  _ your Bucky _ , is actually here, in your arms. And you don’t know for how much longer he will be. 

Too soon, you pull away and wipe the tears from your cheeks.

“C’mon, let me show you where you’ll be sleeping,” you choke out as you lead him down the hallway and towards your room. “The spare room is upstairs. We’ve been using it for storage, but we can get it cleaned out tomorrow, there’s not a whole lot, just some of Jamie’s old things. We’ll go into town and pick out a mattress, have it set up for you in no time.”

Bucky nods silently as you open the door. He stays quiet as you walk in and step to the side, letting him come in and look around. He’s taking it all in; your little mementos and homey touches, and the framed pictures, mostly of Jamie, that hang on your walls. He stops in front of each picture, the same ones from the album you showed him earlier, only bigger. 

There’s one of you and Jamie from the beach, your hair is blowing wild in the wind, no makeup on, large sunglasses covering half your face, but you’re smiling bright as you hug her tight and she’s beaming at the camera as she dons her own matching pair of sunglasses. It is your favorite picture of the two of you. The one beside it is the one you took of her and Steve as they built a sandcastle that same day.

But on your nightstand there’s two smaller frames that catches Bucky’s eye. One is a selfie of you and Bucky, you’re looking up at the camera, smiling bright, as he stands just behind you, looking down at you so adoringly. 

The other was of you, Steve, and Bucky. You’re all laughing as you’re being held by both men; Bucky has his arms around your torso while Steve holds your legs parallel to the ground, and both your arms stretched over your head. That one was also your favorite. The day that picture was taken had been so happy, so carefree, and so much simpler than your life now. Back then, it was just the three of you, always together, three peas in a pod; the way it had always been; and the way it should be now.

“I remember that day…” Bucky says as he picks up the frame and sits on the edge of your bed. “We...we’d just spent the day at Coney Island for Steve’s birthday...and then you made us go down to the beach...”

“We drank way too much to have been in public that night,” you chuckled as you remembered the day fondly, taking a seat next to him on the bed.

“I hadn’t been that drunk since we were teens,” Bucky laughs, smiling so bright that you thought  your heart just might melt. “Oh God, I got so sick that night, right? Didn’t I throw up on your shoes?”

You smiled. “Yeah, and Steve threw up in my hair after we got off The Cyclone. You guys were a mess.”

Bucky smiles as he sits the frame back down on the nightstand, still looking at both pictures before he turns to you, a solemn look on his face.

“I don’t know where I fit in anymore. Not anywhere, but especially not here. I don’t even know if I should. But I want to. I want to be here with you and Steve and Jamie. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t care if you’re with Steve or that you’re gonna have his baby. I still love you, and I still love Steve, and I’ll take it in whatever capacity that I can.”

The tears have made their way back to your eyes as you lean in and kiss Bucky. You’re not sure what possessed you to do it, but you did, and it felt _sooooo_ _good._

He stiffens, but only for a second, and then he’s eagerly kissing you back as his hand finds your waist. Your hands are on his face and you’re pulling him closer, kissing him deeper.

And just as suddenly, you stop. You pull back, both of you breathless. There’s a twinge of guilt when Steve’s face swims to the forefront of your mind, but you don’t regret it; not even a little bit.

“I know this will make things hard, and difficult, and I know things can’t be the way they were before, but I want you to stay too. I can’t...I can’t promise you anything, though. I love you so much, oh my god, so so so much, but…” you sigh shakely as you fight back more tears from falling. “I love Steve, too.”

He leans down and presses another soft kiss to your lips, humming contentedly as he pulls back. There’s a smile on his face as he opens his eyes and in this moment, he looks very much like the Bucky that stole your heart so many years ago. 

“I, uh, I should go…”

Bucky nods, that small smile still twisting up his lips.

Maybe, just maybe, this won’t turn out to be as colossal of a clusterfuck as you thought it would be.

\------

The next morning is quiet and uneventful considering the activities from the previous day. Everyone’s tense and quiet and solemn as the you move around each other awkwardly. Bucky stays to himself most of the morning, not saying much as he sits by himself at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee. Steve stays in bed almost all day, only grumbling and rolling over every time you go in to check on him. You leave a cup of water and a bottle of motrin on his nightstand and leave him be.

By lunchtime, you figure it’s time to go pick up Jamie. You ask Bucky if he’d like to tag along, so he could finally meet The Wilson’s, but he’s not comfortable meeting new people and promises to wait at the house and stay out of trouble until you come back.

The next few days are mostly uneventful. Jamie has warmed up to Bucky, finally opening up to him, telling him about some of her favorite things, and even including him in some of her favorite activities. Steve stays quiet, watching the two playing in the floor of her room with some of her dolls.

“Hey stranger,” you say quietly as you step up beside Steve, leaning back against the wall of the hallway, crossing your arms, mirroring his stance.

He looks over to you, his brow softening and a smile gracing his lips. “Hey.” He goes back to watching the two, a frown replacing his smile and a crease forming in the middle of his forehead.

“She’s really taken a shine to him, hasn’t she?” You ask quietly, looking up to Steve, only to see him shrug as his frown deepens. “What’s wrong?”

He sighs and shakes his head.

“C'mon Steve, you can talk to me. I know things are weird between us right now, but it’s still me. You can tell me anything.”

“It’s just...I don’t know...I feel stupid…”

You wait silently for him to continue. In fact, you wait so long that you think he’s not going to continue at all. You’re about to say something when he turns to you, his whole body facing you and an intense burning in his eyes that you haven’t seen in nearly a week.

“Can I still talk to you, though? Are we still...what are we now? Where does all this leave us?”

You look over to Bucky and Jamie, both still oblivious to your presence. You smile small before taking Steve by the hand and leading him into the kitchen so you can have this conversation in private. 

He follows willingly, his hand so warm as his fingers wrap around yours.

“I’ve put this off for too long,” you admit once you’re both standing just inside the dining room, turning to face him.

He looks crestfallen as the words fall from your lips, but reigns it in before you can continue. He’s nodding as his gaze falls to the floor.

“Steve, I-”

“No, I get it, it’s ok…” He interrupts as he pulls away from you.

“Wait, that’s not-”

“Just...I’m gonna need a minute, ok? Just give me a minute…” He closes his eyes and looks like he’s struggling to breath.

You propel yourself forward and wrap your arms around his waist just in time to feel his chest start shaking with silent sobs. “Oh, you big dumb oaf, I’m not breaking up with you,” you cry into his chest as his arms immediately wrap around your back.

“Y-you’re not?” He whispers, holding you impossibly tight.

“Of course not. I wanted to apologize for being so awkward and distant this past week, since Bucky’s come back. It’s...it’s hard, to be around the both of you, loving both of you, but I can’t be without you anymore, Steve. It’s killing me.”

“Oh baby…”

“It’s not fair to you, either of you, I know. It’s not right to feel this way about both of you like this, but I...I...I don’t know. I’m terrified. Eventually, I’m going to have to make an impossible choice, essentially deciding which one of my babies has to grow up without their father because I know I’ll lose one of you. I can’t lose you, Steve. But I can’t lose him again either.”

“Do you really think that? That we would leave you, abandon you, if you didn’t choose us?”

You sniffle and only nod your head against his chest.

“Oh, sweetheart, no matter what you decide, that’s never going to happen. Unless you ask me to leave...well, no, still not even then could you get rid of me.”

Your arms tighten around him and he holds you. And it’s the best you’ve felt in a long time.

“So, does that mean you wanna keep the baby?” Steve asks quietly.

His arms tighten around you when you start to push back, but he doesn’t let you go until you press harder against his chest. You’re looking up into his eyes and you see pain and fear.

“Have you spent all this time thinking that I didn’t want to keep our baby?” You ask seriously, brows furrowed as you watch him squirm under the scrutiny of your gaze.

“Well, I-I-I’ve not been sure. You didn’t seem thrilled when you told me...and I froze up like a jackass...and then Bucky came back...it might have been easier if you wanted to start over with him…and you’ve been so quiet...and distant...I thought maybe...maybe…”

“Fuck, Steve, of course not. Obviously I wasn’t super excited when I found out I was pregnant. I’d spent the whole morning throwing up, then get blindsided with the news, and spent the whole ride back home fretting because we hadn’t planned this, or even talked about what we wanted for our future yet. We’ve only just started dating, for fuck’s sake, and we’re already gonna have another baby!”

Steve’s smiling and you want to be upset because you’re ranting and he’s not taking you seriously, but once a chuckle breaks from his lips, you’re smiling back.

“I want to keep the baby, Steve. I want to be with you. But I can’t say that it doesn’t scare the shit out of me. Or that I still don’t have feelings for Bucky.”

“That’s good, cause I want to be with you too,” he sighs as he wraps you up in a hug.

“But on a more serious note, you deserve so much better than this,” you admit shyly. 

He stiffens. 

“Maybe you would be happier if you found someone less complicated and undamaged instead of sticking around here to deal with this mess. You deserve someone who’s going to be able to give you all of their heart instead of being stuck taking care of this poor, broken, pregnant girl who’s dead fiance just came back to life. You deserve so much better than me.”

Steve takes a beat before he responds. “You’re not damaged and you’re not broken. I stayed with you all this time because I wanted this. I chose this, I chose all of this. And even now, after knowing what was waiting for us, I’d choose it all again, every single time. Well, I say that, but it’s not like I had any real choice in the matter at all. You’ve had me since the very beginning.”

“Steve…”

“But I need you to know, if you end up wanting him more than me, if you ever change your mind about any of it, I’m still going to be here. I’ll always love you, whether your my partner or just my friend. I’ll take you in whatever way I can have you.”

You humph a laugh and he pulls back to look down at you.

“Something funny?” He asks with a smirk.

“Oh, not really. It’s just, that’s almost exactly what Bucky said to me earlier.”

“He did, did he? Then why are you so worried?”

“I don’t know, just, you know, everything. That eventually, I’ll have to pick one of you over the other…”

“What if you don’t have to choose?”

“What?”

“Just think about it, ok? What if you never had to choose…”


End file.
